r 


&E 


— rJH 


FROM  THE 

RABBIS  TO 

CHRIST 


H.  L.  Hellyer 


13  eJ 


, 


BV 

^2623 
.H44 
A3 
1917 


Cibrary  of  Che  theological  £cm\n<xvy> 

PRINCETON  •  NEW  JERSEY 


PRESENTED  BY 

John  Stuart  Conning,  D.D. 

BV  2623  .H44  A3  1917 
Hellyer,  Henry  L .  ,  1880- 
From  the  rabbis  to  Christ 


FROM  THE  RABBIS 
TO  CHRIST: 


OR 


IN  QUEST  OF  THE  TRUTH 


By   H.    L.    HELLYER 


PHILADELPHIA 
THE      WESTMINSTER      PRESS 

1917 


Copyright,  191 1 

By  the  Trustees  of  The  Presbyterian  Board  of  Publication 

and  Sabbath-School  Work 

Published  May,  1911 


CONTENTS 

Introduction    5 

I.  Living  in  the  Talmud 7 

II.  A  Son  of  the  Law 18 

III.  In  the  School  of  the  Rabbis....  25 

IV.  Adrift    34 

V.  Groping  in  the  Dark 53 

VI.  Coming  to  the  Light 68 


Dedication  of  the  Second  Edition 


To  pious  Jewish  motherhood — to  my  own  good 
and  faithful  mother — this  heartfelt  experience  is 
most  affectionately  dedicated.  It  was  she  who  toiled 
patiently  and  bravely  under  adverse  conditions  and 
circumstances  within  the  narrow  bounds  of  the  Jew- 
ish Pale  in  southern  Russia,  to  give  her  boy  the  best 
possible  chance  in  life.  It  was  she  who,  with  the 
utmost  care  and  zeal,  so  instilled  into  my  mind  and 
heart  a  faith  in  the  God  of  our  patriarchs,  Abraham, 
Isaac  and  Jacob,  that  it  lingered  in  me  and  protected 
me  from  utter  spiritual  ruin  until  the  time  came 
when  by  his  grace  he  found  me  and  saved  me. 

The  prayer  of  my  inmost  soul  to  the  God  of  Israel 
is  that  the  same  light  which  enlightened  my  own 
dark  and  dreary  life  may  also  dawn  upon  her  and  all 
dear  ones  whom  I  love  more  than  my  own  life. 

Henry  L.  Hellyer. 


INTRODUCTION 

Henry  Leon  Hellyer  was  born  near  Odessa. 
Russia,  in  1880;  and  he  was  brought  up  there 
according  to  the  strictest  discipline  of  the  Jews, 
and  with  the  expectation  that  he  would  become 
a  rabbi.  At  the  age  of  fourteen,  having  fin- 
ished all  preparatory  studies,  he  was  sent  to 
western  Russia  to  what  with  us  would  be 
called  a  theological  seminary.  Losing  his  zeal. 
if  not  his  faith,  he  left  this  institution  when 
sixteen  and  went  in  quest  of  work  to  London 
and  thence  to  Glasgow.  It  was  in  the  latter 
place  that  he  experienced  the  wonderful  change 
that  his  narrative  describes.  Determined  to 
live  for  the  conversion  of  his  people  to  the 
Saviour,  whom  he  himself  had  found  so 
precious,  he  came  to  Canada,  entered  the  Bible 
Training  School  at  Toronto,  and  completed 
the  regular  course  of  two  years.  Turning 
then  to  the  United  States,  he  transferred  his 
church-membership  to  the  church  of  which 
Harris  H.  Gregg.  D.D..  is  pastor,  in  St. 
Louis.  Missouri,  and  entered  the  Preparatory 
Department  of  Westminster  College,  Fulton, 
Missouri.  Graduating  here  after  six  years  in 
19 10,  he  entered  Princeton  Theological  Semi- 
5 


6  Introduction 

nary,  from  which  he  graduated  in  1913.  Since 
then  he  has  been  actively  and  successfully  en- 
gaged in  mission  work  in  Philadelphia  among 
the  Jews  and  under  the  direction  of  the  l'resby- 
tery  of  Philadelphia  in  cooperation  with  the 
Presbyterian  Hoard  of  Home  Missions,  New 
York. 

Mr.  Hellyer  has  given  this  account  of  his 
conversion  to  the  public  for  three  reasons.  He 
would  arouse  sympathy  for  the  Jews  in  the 
hearts  of  Christians ;  he  would  show  how  the 
Jew  may  best  be  reached  with  the  gospel ;  and 
he  would  present  Christ  to  the  Jew  as  he  should 
be  presented  to  him. 

Those  of  us  who  have  read  this  little  book 
feel  that  it  is  well  fitted  to  realize  these  ends. 
It  has  revealed  to  us  as  we  never  even  con- 
ceived how  much  the  Jew  needs  Christ,  how 
ignorant  he  is  of  him,  and  especially  how  out- 
rageously he  has  misrepresented  him.  Our 
earnest  hope  and  prayer  is  that  Cod  will  use 
Mr.  Hellyer  for  the  salvation  of  his  ancient 
people  and  through  him  will  hasten  the  day 
when  "all  Israel  shall  he  saved." 

William   Brenton  Greene,  Jr. 
Princeton,   Xew  Jersey. 


I 

LIVING  IN  THE  TALMUD 

How  pleasant  it  is  for  the  weary  traveler 
who  has  reached  his  happy  home  at  the  end 
of  a  long,  difficult  journey  to  look  back  at 
the  rough  road  he  has  traveled.  Sitting  in 
the  cool  shade  of  the  sheltering  trees,  sur- 
rounded by  his  own  loved  ones,  safe  and  se- 
cure from  all  danger,  how  he  likes  to  tell 
of  the  perils  through  which  he  has  passed 
and  to  give  thanks  to  the  Almighty  for  his 
protection  and  guidance.  And  as  he  looks  back 
over  the  perilous  road  with  its  pits  and  snares 
which  he  himself  has  so  narrowly  missed  and 
beholds  his  friends  and  brethren  struggling 
there,  his  heart  goes  out  to  them,  and  he  raises 
his  voice  to  them,  that  perchance  they  may 
hear  him  and  heed  his  warning  ere  it  is  too 
late. 

In  his  incomprehensible  and  wonderful  way, 
God  has  led  me  through  a  seemingly  inex- 
tricable maze  of  dark  caverns  into  the  light 
of  his  salvation  through  the  blood  of  his  Son, 

7 


8  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

Jesus  Christ.  I  cannot  understand  how  he 
did  it;  but  this  I  know,  that  the  Spirit  of 
God  has  rested  upon  me  through  Jesus,  and 
that,  whereas  I  was  lost,  now  I  am  saved. 

I  love  to  read  the  story  of  the  transformation 
of  Saul  of  Tarsus,  Acts  9:1-4,  into  Paul, 
not  only  because  in  it  is  manifested  the  won- 
derful power  of  the  gospel  of  Christ  unto 
salvation,  but  also  because  the  story  of  Paul's 
conversion  is  that  of  the  conversion  of  prac- 
tically every  Jew  who  comes  into  the  fold 
of  Christ,  and,  therefore,  my  story  also;  and 
because  the  zealous  spirit  shown  by  Paul,  the 
servant  of  Jesus  Christ,  is  the  spirit  in  which 
labors  every  Jew  who  truly  and  sincerely  en- 
ters into  fellowship  with  his  Messiah,  the  Lamb 
that  taketh  away  the  sin  of  the  world. 

I  was  born  in  southern  Russia  in  1880.  My 
parents  were  of  the  ordinary  type  of  poor 
Jews,  who  make  up  about  ninety-five  per  cent 
of  the  entire  Jewish  population  of  that  locality. 
They  were  very  religious  and  zealous  for  the 
Law  of  Moses  as  set  forth,  not  by  Moses — 
as  everyone  who  knows  the  conditions  exist- 
ing among  the  Jews  will  testify — but  by  the 
rabbis  in  the  Talmud,  which  is  quite  a  dif- 
ferent thing.     At  the  age  of  four  years,  when 


Living  in  the  Talmud  9 

scarcely  able  to  lisp,  I  was  sent  to  a  Jewish 
private  elementary  school — die  dor — where  I 
was  taught  to  read  Hebrew.  That  year  my 
father  died,  and  then  began  on  the  part  of 
my  mother  a  bitter  struggle  to  maintain  me 
at  school  and  to  keep  her  own  soul  and  body 
together.  To  add  to  our  misfortunes,  our 
house  burned  down,  and  mother  was  now 
obliged  to  provide  rent  also.  I  was  too  young 
to  realize  the  severity  of  her  struggles.  Then 
I  already  had  enough  to  do  to  keep  my  entire 
childish  attention  occupied.  For,  besides  at- 
tending to  my  studies,  I  was  obliged  to  go, 
during  an  entire  year,  twice  daily  to  the  syna- 
gogue to  repeat  prayers  for  the  repose  of  my 
father's  soul,  as  I  was  taught  that  this  was 
the  only  way  to  keep  it  out  of  purgatory.  Also, 
under  the  guidance  of  my  dear  mother  and,  like- 
wise, of  my  teacher  and  companions  at  school 
and  elsewhere,  all  of  whom  were  of  the  same 
race  and  type  as  myself,  I  was  occupied  every 
minute  of  my  waking  hours  in  either  doing 
something  or  avoiding  doing  something  else, 
for  the  sake  of  my  own  salvation,  as  well  as 
my  father's  repose  and  my  mother's  future 
safety.  We  Jewish  children  were  taught  that 
our  parents — the  dead  as  well  as  the  living — 


10  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

were  responsible  for  every  one  of  our  actions 
or  omissions  until  we  should  attain  the  age  of 
twelve.  At  that  age  every  Jewish  orphan 
becomes  personally  responsible  to  his  Maker. 
Those  Jewish  children  who  have  both  parents 
living  receive  an  additional  year  of  grace. 
There  were  six  hundred  and  thirteen  com- 
mandments of  the  Law  which  I  had  to  ob- 
serve, besides  customs  too  numerous  to  men- 
tion, which  were  to  be  observed  just  as  strictly 
as  if  they  had  been  commandments !  The  in- 
fraction of  any  one  of  them  meant  damnation. 

If,  in  my  childish  speculations,  I  ever  ven- 
tured to  ask  why  a  certain  act  was  either  com- 
manded or  prohibited,  I  invariably  received  a 
stern  rebuke.  "Jews  are  not  permitted  to  in- 
quire," I  would  be  told.  "Such  is  the  Law, 
and  anyone  expressing  doubts  or  inquisitive- 
ness  exhibits  a  dangerous  tendency  toward  be- 
coming a  'Goi'  (Christian),  or  a  'Meshumod' 
(renegade  Jew)." 

Such  answers  soon  put  an  effective  check 
to  any  inclinations  that  I  may  have  possessed 
for  research  beyond  the  six  hundred  and  thir- 
teen commandments  and  the  several  thousand 
customs.  The  word  Christian  was  in  itself 
sufficient  to  make  the  hair  stand  on  end  with 


Living  in  the  Talmud  1 1 

terror  on  any  Jewish  head  ;  for,  as  everybody 
knew,  the  Christians  were  the  boys  with  the 
brutal  faces  who  ran  about  bare-footed  with 
whips  and  cudgels  in  their  hands,  attacking 
every  Jewish  boy  they  met,  and  from  whom 
I  myself  had  been  obliged  to  flee  on  more  than 
one  occasion.  Christians  never  went  to  a 
Jewish  cheder  (school),  nor  to  a  synagogue; 
did  not  study  the  Commandments,  did  not  know 
the  Jewish  God ;  instead,  they  ran  about  wild, 
cursed  and  blasphemed,  went  to  churches 
( horrible  thought ! )  and  ate  pork  !  And,  of 
course,  I  was  going  to  keep  all  the  command- 
ments and  all  the  customs,  and  even  invent 
new  ones,  if  possible,  rather  than  become  as 
one  of  them.  As  the  years  passed  by,  the 
gulf  between  me  and  the  Christians  grew  ever 
wider  and  deeper. 

In  the  meantime,  I  had  learned  to  read 
Hebrew  quite  fluently  and  had  been  instructed 
in  the  book  of  Leviticus.  At  the  age  of  eight 
years  I  was  given  to  understand  that,  as  I 
had  now  reached  a  mature  age,  and  had  studied 
as  much  of  the  Bible  as  was  desirable  or  even 
permissible  to  a  true  Jew  without  the  saving 
guidance  of  the  Talmud  (lest  the  word  of  God 
lead   him  into   error  and   so   to  eternal   dam- 


12  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

nation)  it  was  now  incumbent  upon  me  to 
begin  the  study  of  the  Talmud  forthwith. 

My  mother's  poverty  had  increased  with  the 
wars.  Yet  she  struggled  bravely,  and  often 
denied  herself  food,  to  the  end  that  I  might 
continue  my  studies,  as  her  life's  ambition  was 
to  see  me  become  a  rabbi. 

My  elder  brother  was  working  at  the  tailor's 
trade.  Under  the  local  industrial  conditions, 
lie  was  obliged  to  devote  many  hours  each  day 
to  his  work  in  order  to  earn  even  the  bare 
necessities  of  life,  and  was  therefore  deprived 
of  all  opportunity  to  study  the  Law.  In  other 
words,  he  was  of  no  spiritual  value  to  his 
parents,  to  himself  or  to  the  Jewish  community. 
He  was  lost.  Having  thus  lost  one  son,  my 
mother  redoubled  her  efforts  to  save  me  by 
maintaining  me  at  school,  and  often  spoke  to 
me  of  the  glorious  future  which  awaited  me 
as  a  rabbi  in  Israel,  whose  duty  it  would  be 
to  expound  the  intricate  points  of  the  Law- 
concerning  "clean"  and  "unclean"  food  and 
other  matters  of  like  vast  importance.  She  told 
me  of  the  certainty  of  a  high  place  in  heaven 
after  such  a  life  on  earth,  and  of  her  own 
bright  prospects  hereafter  as  the  result  of  hav- 
ing produced  such  a  son. 


Living  in  the  Talmud  13 

As  I  grew  older,  I  became  more  and  more 
absorbed  in  the  study  of  the  Talmud.  At  the 
same  time  my  feelings  toward  the  Christians 
grew  more  and  more  bitter.  The  Christians 
caused  us  Jews  to  live  huddled  together  in 
miserable  little  towns,  without  the  opportunity 
to  earn  a  reasonable  livelihood ;  the  Chris- 
tians occupied  all  the  government  positions  to 
which  no  Jew  durst  even  aspire ;  the  Chris- 
tians owned  all  the  lands  in  the  country,  the 
Christians  frequently  got  drunk  and  boisterous, 
and  assaulted  and  robbed,  or  even  murdered, 
the  Jews.  What,  then,  could  a  Jew  have  in 
common  with  a  Christian  ? 

While  I  was  forming  this  unfavorable 
opinion  of  the  Christians,  my  teacher  and  my 
companions  took  particular  care  to  discredit 
in  my  sight  their  chief  abomination,  Jesus 
Christ,  the  God  of  the  Christians,  who  was 
worshiped  in  those  abominable  and  detestable 
places,  the  Christian  churches.  Who  did  not 
know  the  true  history  of  that  blasphemer  and 
impostor !  Before  I  reached  the  age  of  ten 
years,  I  had  the  following  account  of  my 
Saviour  drilled  into  my  mind. 

Jesus  was  the  illegitimate  son  of  Mary.  She 
never  spoke  to  the  boy  of  the  circumstances 


14  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

surrounding  his  birth,  but,  of  course,  the  en- 
tire community  among  which  they  lived  knew 
them  well,  and  the  children  with  whom  Jesus 
associated  frequently  taunted  him  with  them. 
To  his  persistent  inquiries,  his  mother  gave 
only  evasive  answers,  and  Jesus  finally,  tired 
of  being  thwarted,  determined  to  learn  the 
truth.  One  day  his  mother  stooped  into  an 
open  trunk  in  search  of  something ;  this  was 
the  boy's  opportunity.  In  an  instant  he  had 
dropped  the  lid  on  her  neck  and  threatened 
to  decapitate  her  if  she  did  not  confess  the 
truth.  She  confessed,  and  Jesus  then  and  there 
determined  to  make  a  name  for  himself  in 
spite  of  his  ignoble  birth,  and  at  whatever  cost. 
Accordingly,  he  betook  himself  to  Egypt  and 
was  there  instructed  by  the  magi  in  the  various 
secret  incantations  which  gave  those  wise  men 
the  power  to  perform  miracles.  Upon  his  re- 
turn to  his  native  land,  he  imitated  the  magi 
and  soon  obtained  a  numerous  following  as  a 
miracle  worker.  One  day,  inflated  by  his  suc- 
cesses, he  proclaimed  himself  God ;  this 
angered  the  rabbis,  who  attacked  him,  com- 
pelling him  to  flee  for  safety,  and  he  ran  into 
the  only  place  whither  the  Jews  dared  not 
follow  him — the  Holy  of  holies — as  it  meant 


Living  in  the  Talmud  15 

instant  death  for  anyone  except  the  High 
Priest — and  to  him  also  except  on  the  Day  of 
Atonement — to  enter  that  place.  Here  Jesus 
possessed  himself  of  the  tablet  on  which  was 
inscribed  the  name  of  Jehovah  (the  Shem 
Hamforash),  and  by  secret  combinations  of 
its  letters,  and  by  magic  incantations,  he  was 
enabled  to  soar  into  the  air.  At  this  many 
fell  down  and  worshiped  him.  At  the  sight 
of  such  terrible  blasphemy,  the  rabbis  rent 
their  garments,  and  one  from  amongst  them, 
a  particularly  holy  man,  offered  up  an  earnest 
prayer  imploring  the  God  of  the  Jews  to  give 
him  greater  power  than  that  possessed  by  the 
impostor,  to  the  end  that  he  might  save  his 
people  Israel  from  the  terrible  danger  that 
threatened  them  of  becoming  idolaters.  Im- 
mediately his  prayer  was  answered ;  he  rose 
higher  in  the  air  than  Jesus  was  able  to  fly, 
and  sought  to  confound  and  humiliate  his  op- 
ponent by  an  unmentionable  act.  As  might 
have  been  expected,  under  these  circumstances, 
his  incantations  immediately  lost  their  effect ; 
Jesus  fell  to  the  ground  and  was  promptly 
crucified  by  the  rabbis.  And  this  was  "their 
God." 

Having  gained  this   knowledge  of  what   I 


16  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

was  told  was  his  true  history,  I  hated  and 
despised  him  even  more  than  before,  and  my 
contempt  for  the  blinded,  foolish  Christians 
increased ;  likewise,  my  resentment  against 
them  for  worshiping  such  an  unclean,  blas- 
phemous impostor,  who  had  actually  dared  op- 
pose the  rabbis !  And  I  exulted  over  the  fact 
that  he  had  met  his  deserts  on  the  cross.  The 
churches,  until  then  unclean  to  me,  became 
a  hundredfold  more  detestable  and  execrable; 
in  passing  them,  it  was  my  duty — if  I  wished 
to  preserve  my  prospects  for  future  salvation — 
to  expectorate  in  their  direction  and  to  pro- 
nounce anathemas  against  them.  The  Chris- 
tians who  were  sometimes  gathered  in  their 
courts  inspired  me  with  terror  and  repelled 
me  beyond  description. 

At  home  and  at  school  I  daily  heard  reports 
of  new  atrocities  committed  by  the  Christians 
against  the  Jews ;  I  was  taught  that  I  could 
expect  nothing  else  from  people  who  wor- 
shiped an  impostor  who  had  bequeathed  to  his 
followers  his  hatred  for  the  Jews  for  the  op- 
probrium cast  upon  him.  The  news  of  the 
most  oppressive  measures  enacted  by  the 
government,  or  the  most  horrible  crimes  com- 
mitted by  the  populace  against  the  Jews,  awak- 


Living  in  the  Talmud  17 

ened  no  surprise  in  me,  but  only  resentment 
against  them  and  "their  God."  My  resentment 
was  made  all  the  greater  when — in  our  boyish 
quarrels — the  Christians  openly  asserted  that 
to  mistreat  an  unbelieving  Jew  was  equivalent 
to  an  act  of  worship  and  greatly  redounded 
to  the  glory  of  Jesus  Christ. 

I  write  this  not  in  a  spirit  of  anger — God 
forbid ! — but  with  profound  pity  both  for  the 
unfortunate  Russians,  whose  Christianity  con- 
sists entirely  in  Greek  ritualism  with  very 
little  trace  of  spirituality,  and  for  my 
equally  unfortunate  Jewish  brethren  who  dwell 
among  them  and  who  have  come  to  regard  the 
religion  of  their  Russian  oppressors  as  true 
Christianity ;  they  have  never  heard  of  any 
other.  Between  these  two  races  there  is  con- 
stantly kept  up  the  vicious  circle  formed  by 
brutality  and  ignorance  on  one  side,  and  re- 
sentment and  misunderstanding  on  the  other. 


II 

A  SON  OF  THE  LAW 

Time  went  on,  and  with  it  also  my  study 
of  the  Talmud.  As  I  grew  older,  my  plays 
became  fewer  and  my  studies  more  constant. 
Steadily  my  life  was  settling  into  the  rut  of 
fulfilling  the  Law.  But  as  yet  I  was  com- 
paratively free  from  care  for  my  spiritual 
safety,  for,  as  I  had  not  yet  reached  my 
twelfth  year,  the  burden  of  my  transgressions 
fell  on  my  deceased  father  and  on  my  mother. 
I  tried  to  live  according  to  the  Law,  and  at 
times  I  felt  quite  proud  of  myself  for  the 
reason  that,  having  it  in  my  power  to  cause 
my  parents  untold  suffering  in  the  hereafter, 
I  was  meek  and  loving  enough  to  do  my  best 
in  the  opposite  direction.  I  felt  particularly 
proud  when  some  of  our  Jewish  neighbors 
remarked  upon  my  conduct  to  my  mother. 

As  I  approached  my  twelfth  birthday,  when 
I  would  become  a  "Son  of  the  Law"  and  as- 
sume full  responsibility  before  God  for  all 
of  my  actions,  mother  often  spoke  to  me  about 

18 


A  Son  of  the  Law  19 

the  approaching  event,  setting  forth  its  im- 
portance and  significance,  and  admonishing  me 
to  beware  of  the  consequences  of  any  possible 
thoughtlessness  on  my  part  in  connection  with 
the  Law.  I  felt  very  important  at  the  thought 
that  I  would  at  last  join  the  community  of 
Israel  as  an  independent  member,  sharing  in 
its  blessings  and  privileges  in  this  world,  and 
in  its  hopes  and  promises  in  the  world  to  come. 

At  last  the  fateful  day  arrived.  In  a  night 
I  was  transferred  from  a  child  into  a  man. 
My  heart  swelled  with  pride  when,  for  the 
first  time,  I  found  myself  praying  with  phy- 
lacteries on  my  forehead  and  on  my  left  arm. 
I  felt  that  a  great  change  had  taken  place  in 
my  life,  though  I  did  not,  as  yet,  realize  its 
full  import.  I  knew  that  I  was  free  to  act 
as  I  pleased  with  regard  to  the  Law,  my  mother 
being  no  longer  responsible  for  my  actions, 
could  now  only  advise,  but  not  command.  I 
was  an  independent  and  free  member  of  the 
community,  and  I  was  satisfied. 

But,  like  Jonah's  gourd,  this  satisfaction, 
born  of  the  consciousness  of  my  self-importance 
and  based  upon  nothing  substantial,  perished 
the  selfsame  day  and  left  in  its  stead  dread, 
doubt  and  uncertainty.     I  was  now  a  Jew  de- 


20  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

pendent  on  my  own  actions  for  my  salvation. 
While  no  longer  responsible  for  my  religious 
behavior  to  my  mother,  I  had  become  respon- 
sible to  a  being  of  vastly  greater  power, 
namely,  Jehovah,  who,  as  I  well  knew,  could 
consume  me  with  the  breath  of  his  nostrils. 
His  eye  was  now  upon  me  watching  to  see 
whether  I  repeated  every  word  of  my  morning 
and  evening  prayers,  or  omitted  a  sentence ; 
whether,  on  the  Sabbath,  I  carried  my  pocket 
handkerchief  tied  around  my  thigh,  as  I  should, 
or  dared  leave  it  in  my  pocket,  permitting  it 
to  constitute  a  burden  and  thus  laboring  by 
carrying  it ;  whether,  on  the  same  day,  I  dared 
touch  the  only  copper  coin  I  possessed  in  order 
to  ascertain  whether  it  was  still  safe  in  my 
pocket  or  had  been,  peradventure,  lost.  His 
threatening  hand  was  ever  extended  over  me. 
Every  step  I  made,  every  glance  I  cast,  every 
word  I  uttered  or  failed  to  utter,  every  move 
of  my  every  muscle,  was  to  be  a  factor  in  my 
future  state.  I  could  no  longer  cast  the  burden 
of  my  sins  on  my  poor  mother,  nor  on  my 
deceased  father;  I,  I  myself,  was  the  respon- 
sible party.  I  had  no  excuse  for  neglecting  the 
works,  for  I  had  received  four  years'  instruc- 
tion in  the  Talmud  and  was  acquainted  with 


A  Son  of  the  Law  21 

the  six  hundred  and  thirteen  commandments 
and  with  many  of  the  fences  built  around  them 
by  the  rabbis,  as  well  as  with  some  of  the 
secondary   fences   built  around  the   first   row. 

My  life,  therefore,  became  very  strenuous, 
but  even  then  I  could  not  remain  satisfied,  for, 
in  the  first  place,  there  were  points  which  the 
rabbis  had  disputed  but  had  left  undecided. 
What  was  I,  a  poor  child,  to  do  when  the 
rabbis  had  been  unable  to  arrive  at  a  con- 
clusion as  to  what  was  best  to  do?  Yet,  act 
I  must,  for  life  was  not  a  theory,  but  a  stern 
reality. 

My  instructor  could  not  enlighten  me  on 
such  points ;  being  helpless  himself,  he  en- 
deavored to  conceal  his  helplessness  by  be- 
coming angry  whenever  I  ventured  to  approach 
him  on  this  ground.  "What  impudence,"  he 
would  cry,  ''what  audacity ;  what  presumption 
to  seek  answers  to  questions  which  our  rab- 
bis— blessed  be  their  memory — did  not  see  fit 
to  answer !" 

I  could  not  go  to  my  mother  for  advice, 
for  the  men  alone  study  the  Law  in  Israel. 
What  was  I  to  do? 

Then  there  was  the  dictum  of  the  rabbis, 
"All  Jews  are  responsible   one  for  another," 


22  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

continually  staring  me  in  the  face.  Of  what 
avail  was  my  own  strict  religious  life,  when 
so  many  other  Jews  neglected  their  duty? 
With  all  of  my  prayers  and  fasting,  how  could 
I  ever  escape  eternal  damnation,  when  I  knew 
several  boys  who  omitted  at  least  half  of 
their  prayers?  And  how  could  I  hope  for 
mercy,  when  several  of  our  Jews  had  gone 
over  to  the  Christians? 

Slowly  life  lost  its  charms  and  finally  be- 
came a  veritable  nightmare.  With  every 
breath  I  drew,  I  felt  that  I  was  accumulating 
sin  upon  sin,  and  I  also  felt  that  I  was  power- 
less to  stem  the  tide.  And  many  a  time  I 
wished  that  God  had  been  merciful  enough 
to  remove  me  from  this  world  before  I 
had  reached  my  twelfth  birthday,  for  then  I 
should  have  appeared  before  him  pure  and 
guiltless. 

At  this  juncture  an  apparent  ray  of  light 
shone  out  from  amidst  the  gloom.  In  the 
prayers  for  the  Day  of  Atonement  I  read, 
"Repentance  and  Prayer  and  Charity  remove 
the  evil  of  the  decree.''  Here  was  hope  in- 
deed ;  this,  at  last,  was  so  clear  that  no  one 
could  mistake  its  meaning.  Surely,  I  need  no 
longer  be  troubled  in  spirit  about  uncertainty 


A  Son  of  the  Law  23 

in  action.  Repentance,  Prayer  and  Charity. 
How  easy !  Once  again  my  salvation  was  se- 
cure, and  once  again  my  spirits  rose  to  a  very 
high  pitch.  I  repented  of  all  of  my  sins  of 
commission  and  omission ;  I  redoubled  my 
zeal  at  prayer  and  repeated  the  Psalms,  and 
I  gave  my  only  copper  coin  to  the  poor.  For 
a  while  I  was  contented. 

But  this  condition  was  only  a  short  truce. 
Very  soon  I  noticed  that  prayer  could  not 
help  me  decide  the  questions  which  the  rabbis 
had  left  undecided ;  that  I  could  not  repent 
of  all  of  my  sins,  for  sometimes  I  forgot  all 
about  some  sins  I  had  committed ;  that  it  was 
absolutely  impossible  for  me  to  repent  of  the 
sins  which  other  Jews  had  committed  and  for 
which  I,  nevertheless,  was  responsible ;  and 
that  I  had  nothing  to  give  to  the  poor,  for  I 
was  very  poor  myself.  Thus,  my  poverty  be- 
came a  barrier  to  my  salvation.  Only  the  rich 
could  purchase  a  place  in  heaven ! 

My  life  became  a  veritable  torture.  I  saw 
the  gates  of  heaven  closed  in  my  face,  hope- 
lessly and  forever.  Whether  I  kept  the  Law 
or  desisted,  I  felt  that  I  was  only  adding  to 
the  strength  of  the  locks  and  bolts.  And  as  I 
studied  the  position  of  the  Jewish  community 


24  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

generally,  my  heart  sank  still  lower  within 
me  and  I  could  only  repeat  with  the  prophet, 
"All  we  like  sheep  have  gone  astray ;  we  have 
turned  every  one  to  his  own  way." 

In  my  anguish,  I  cried  out  to  God  for  en- 
lightenment, but  no  answer  came.  Everything 
around  me  pointed  toward  me  as  the  archi- 
tect of  my  own  salvation,  and  toward  the 
Law  as  the  means. 


Ill 

IN  THE  SCHOOL  OF  THE  RABBIS 

At  the  age  of  fourteen  years  I  had  finished 
all  preparatory  studies.  It  was  now  necessary 
for  me — if  I  was  to  become  a  rabbi — to  re- 
pair to  a  "Yeshiva,"  a  seat  of  higher  learning, 
there  to  receive  further  training.  Accordingly, 
I  set  out  for  western  Russia.  I  had  no 
money,  and  was  therefore  obliged  to  travel  on 
foot.  The  journey  was  Long,  weary  and 
tedious ;  I  was  footsore  and — the  greater  part 
of  the  time — hungry,  but  my  spirits  were  buoy- 
ant, for  I  realized  that  now  at  last  I  was  going 
to  a  place  where  I  would  receive  proper  train- 
ing in  the  Law ;  where  all  dark  things  would 
be  illumined  with  the  wisdom  of  the  rabbis ; 
where  all  doubts  would  disappear;  where,  in 
a  word,  I  would  leave  the  Judaism  of  the 
common  people  behind  me  and  penetrate  into 
the  mysterious  realms  of  the  Judaism  of  the 
elect  of  Israel. 

I  dared  not  look  beyond  that,  for  the  sight 
that  met  my  gaze  was  too  dazzling  to  be  true. 

25 


26  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

I  could  see  myself,  after  the  lapse  of  a  few 
years,  a  holy  rabbi,  seated  at  the  head  of  a 
long  table,  poring  over  tomes  of  the  Law,  and 
explaining  to  the  people  the  intricate  points 
connected  with  such  things  as  the  proper 
slaughtering  of  poultry,  or  a  piece  of  beef 
which  has  accidentally  come  into  contact  with 
a  drop  of  milk,  and  other  matters  just  as 
intimately  connected  with  the  salvation  of 
Israel.  And  everybody  who  came  to  me  ad- 
dressed me  as  "Rabbi"  and  awaited  my  de- 
cision with  bated  breath !  On  my  word  hung 
the  fate  of  the  chicken  or  the  piece  of  beef; 
according  to  my  decision,  the  meat  would  serve 
as  food  to  a  Jewish  family  or  go  to  a  "Goi" 
at  reduced  rates.  The  prospect  was  so  dazzling 
I  scarcely  dared  contemplate  it. 

With  an  indescribable  sense  of  awe  I  en- 
tered the  great  seat  of  higher  learning.  I 
imagined  myself  in  the  presence  of  God  him- 
self and  scarcely  dared  breathe.  The  in- 
structors there  appeared  to  me  as  spiritual 
beings  removed  far  above  the  earth  and  in 
direct  communication  with  God  on  high — just 
such  men,  in  fact,  as  I  had  been  given  to  un- 
derstand the  authors  of  the  Talmud  had  been 
before  them.     The  students  seemed  to  me  to 


In  the  School  of  the  Rabbis  27 

reflect  in  their  faces  the  spirituality  of  the 
masters.  And  how  could  it  be  otherwise? 
Were  they  not  all  prospective  rabbis — holy 
men  in  Israel  without  sin  or  blemish? 

Eagerly  I  took  my  seat.  With  bated  breath 
I  began  the  study  of  the  Law,  expecting  to 
see  heaven  open  and  the  whole  mysterious  truth 
of  Judaism  burst  upon  me  in  all  its  radiance 
and  glory. 

During  the  first  few  days  things  bore  a 
peculiar  air  of  sanctity ;  but  when  my  first 
impressions  wore  away,  I  began  to  notice 
things  as  they  really  were.  My  studies  were 
in  nowise  different  from  those  which  I  had 
pursued  during  the  preceding  few  years ;  they 
were  only  more  advanced.  The  air  was  filled 
with  the  same  old  disputes  and  doubts ;  the 
masters  displayed  the  same  old  impatience  at 
any  attempt  on  the  part  of  the  students  tc 
explain  the  things  which  the  rabbis  had  left 
unexplained.  Every  tendency  toward  inde- 
pendent research  was  throttled  in  its  incipiency ; 
every  attempt  at  original  thought  was  decried 
as  damnable  heresy.  They  must  all  travel  the 
beaten  track  without  deviating  an  iota  either  to 
the  right  or  to  the  left. 

I   still  consoled  myself  with  the  idea  that 


28  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

God,  in  his  wisdom,  had  revealed  to  his  chil- 
dren as  much  of  the  Law  as  was  necessary  for 
them  to  know,  and  that  these  present  and 
future  leaders  of  Israel,  surely  knew  the 
ground  on  which  they  stood.  It  behooved  me, 
then,  to  study  my  masters  and  my  colleagues 
and  gain  salvation  by  imitating  their  lives. 

After  the  first  few  weeks,  when  the  novelty 
of  the  situation  had  worn  entirely  off  and  my 
studies  had  become  a  matter  of  mere  routine, 
I  began  to  study  the  surroundings.  The  in- 
structors were  too  important  looking  and  too 
overbearing  in  manner  to  be  approached. 
When,  in  the  course  of  my  studies,  I  did 
muster  up  sufficient  courage  to  approach  one 
of  them  for  an  explanation  of  an  obscure  pas- 
sage, he  looked  at  me  with  great  contempt 
for  my  evident  ignorance  and — in  a  severe  tone 
and  very  rapidly — explained  the  passage,  ap- 
parently to  his  own  satisfaction,  and,  turning 
in  his  chair,  devoted  his  attention  to  another 
student.  I  was  left  dazed  and  bewildered.  I 
never  dared  nor  cared  to  ask  for  any  more 
elucidations. 

In  the  dozen  or  more  prospective  rabbis  who 
studied  at  the  same  table  with  me  I  was  greatly 
disappointed.     To  say  that  there  was  a  lack 


In  the  School  of  the  Rabbis  29 

of  spirituality  about  them  is  to  express  it  very 
mildly.  Their  business  in  life  was  to  spend 
a  certain  number  of  hours  each  day  in  the 
unavoidable  but  evidently  very  irksome  study 
of  the  Law  in  order  that  when  reasonably 
proficient  therein,  they  might  obtain  a  rab- 
binate or  open  a  school  and  thus  be  enabled 
to  live. 

Their  studies  were  interrupted  by  frequent 
intervals  during  which  much  gossip  of  a  social 
and  political  nature  was  indulged  in.  They 
lived  in  a  world  of  their  own  creation.  It 
would  have  been  amusing  to  an  intelligent  per- 
son to  listen  to  the  views  which  those  young 
men  expressed  on  the  current  topics  of  the 
day,  exhibiting  as  they  did  their  awful  ig- 
norance of  the  most  elementary  propositions 
connected  with  anything  outside  the  Yeshiva. 
Their  conversation  on  more  intimate  subjects 
was  not  always  fit  for  the  ears  of  a  boy 
of  my  tender  years. 

Having  been  disappointed  at  my  own  table, 
I  determined  to  get  acquainted  with  and  study 
some  of  the  students  who  were  very  near  the 
completion  of  their  studies.  Some  of  the  men, 
indeed,  had  already  completed  their  work; 
they  occasionally  served  as  assistant  instructors 


30  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

while  waiting  for  vacancies  that  they  might 
begin  their  rabbinical  careers.  Like  the  mas- 
ters, they  had  become  inflated  with  the  idea  of 
their  own  importance,  and  their  pride  and 
arrogance  before  the  younger  students  knew 
no  bounds.  However,  by  exhibiting  a  due 
spirit  of  humility  and  submission,  I  managed 
to  get  better  acquainted  with  some  of  them. 
To  my  disgust,  I  noticed  that  they  were  es- 
sentially the  same  as  the  students  by  whom  I 
was  surrounded  at  my  own  table ;  they  were 
only  a  few  years  older  and  they  knew  a  lit- 
tle more  of  the  Law.  Their  main  object  now — 
while  waiting  for  a  rabbinate — was  to  find  a 
wife  who  possessed  money.  It  did  not  matter 
what  else  the  young  woman  might  be — all 
daughters  of  Israel  were  alike — but  she  must 
have  money,  and  her  parents  must  be  able 
to  support  the  newly  married  pair  for  a 
number  of  years.  The  more  proficient  the 
young  man  was  in  the  knowledge  of  the 
Law,  the  more  money  must  his  prospective 
bride  have,  and  the  more  years  must  he  be 
supported. 

My  admiration  soon  turned  to  disgust,  and 
later  to  an  absolute  loathing.  I  loathed  the 
Yeshiva   and    all   that   it   contained.      Higher 


In  the  School  of  the  Rabbis  31 

Judaism  with  its  mysteries  had  now  vanished. 
There  remained  the  same  old  doubts  and  un- 
certainties. Even  the  prospect  of  becoming  a 
rabbi  had  lost  its  charms,  for  it  meant  that  I 
must  resemble — eventually — those  young  men. 

Satan  had  his  dwelling  place  in  that  Yeshiva. 
In  his  subtle  way,  he  began  to  whisper  into 
my  ears  that  it  was  absolutely  useless  to  look 
for  higher  ideals — that  there  were  none.  The 
whole  world  was  corrupt,  and  the  leaders  of 
the  people  more  so  than  others.  God's  mercy 
and  salvation  were  a  myth;  God  had  never 
meant  to  save  humanity ;  he  had  given  us 
the  conception  of  heaven  for  the  sole  purpose 
of  tantalizing  us  into  vain  attempts  at  getting 
into  it,  but  its  gates  were  eternally  and  hope- 
lessly shut  against  us.  Religion  was  a  de- 
lusion, a  cloak  to  beguile  people  into  paying 
the  expenses  of  the  learned  ones.  As  for 
truth  and  union  with  God — these  were  non- 
existent. 

I  cannot  tell  whether  I  was  the  only  one 
in  that  institution  tortured  by  such  thoughts. 
I  took  good  care  to  conceal  my  feelings  from 
those  around  me ;  perhaps  others  acted  in  the 
same  manner.  I  had  to  bear  my  burden  alone 
and  watch  myself  sinking  deeper  and  deeper 


32  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

into  indifference  and  hypocrisy.  I  was  threat- 
ened with  spiritual  annihilation.  However,  my 
early  training  asserted  itself  before  it  was  too 
late. 

My  loathing  for  the  school  grew  daily  until 
it  turned  to  a  veritable  horror  of  it.  I  could 
no  longer  bear  the  thought  of  remaining  an 
inmate  of  it — a  living  lie — or  of  associating 
with  the  prospective  rabbis.  I  realized  that 
to  remain  where  I  was  meant  spiritual  decay 
and  final  death.  One  day  I  concluded  to  leave 
the  place. 

Then  began  a  period  of  wandering  through- 
out Russia  in  search  of  a  spot  where  a  poor 
Jewish  youth  could  find  work  to  do  and  a 
place  to  live.  But  wherever  I  went  I  found 
the  same  conditions  prevailing  as  in  my  native 
place.  The  Russians  were  everywhere  wor- 
shiping ikons  of  the  "Mother  of  God'"  and 
of  numerous  saints,  and  striving  to  avenge 
the  crucifixion  by  oppressing  and  mistreating 
the  Jews ;  while  the  latter  were  striving  to 
live  up  to  the  letter  of  the  Law,  in  total  dis- 
regard of  its  spirit,  and  nourishing  an  im- 
placable hatred  for  Christ  and  his  followers. 
Not  a  single  missionary  voice  was  raised  in 
all  the  confines  of  that  vast  empire  to  tell  to  the 


In  the  School  of  the  Rabbis  33 

Jew  of  the  loving  Saviour  whose  wounds  bled 
anew  at  every  crime  committed  in  his  name. 

Disappointed  with  my  brethren  in  Russia,  I 
crossed  the  border  into  Austria ;  I  traversed 
Germany  and  crossed  into  England.  Every- 
where I  found  bigotry  and  fanaticism,  modified, 
it  is  true,  by  history  and  surrounding  circum- 
stances, but  nowhere  eradicated.  I  was  look- 
ing for  perfection  and  found  none.  Wherever 
I  went  among  my  brethren,  the  Law  was  the 
only  thing  offered  me  as  of  supreme  impor- 
tance, and  the  Law  could  not  satisfy  me. 

Finding  no  rest  abroad,  I  returned  to  my 
native  place  and  confided  my  troubles  to  my 
dear  mother.  With  tears  in  my  eyes,  I  ex- 
plained to  her  the  doubts  that  tormented  me 
and  gave  me  no  rest,  and  begged  her  to  sug- 
gest something  that  would  reassure  me.  She 
listened  very  patiently  and  at  last  very  sooth- 
ingly said : 

"My  son,  this  restlessness  is  sent  upon  you 
as  a  punishment  from  the  God  of  Israel  for 
your  sin  of  leaving  home.  Stay  here,  my  child, 
resemble  the  rest  of  the  Jews,  observe  the 
Law,  and  you  shall  be  satisfied  and  find  rest 
for  your  weary  soul." 

I  left  for  England  again. 


IV 

ADRIFT 

After  varied  experiences  in  Hull  and  in 
London,  I  finally  found  myself  working  at  the 
tailor's  trade  in  Glasgow,  Scotland.  I  was 
now  a  well-grown  youth,  able  to  discern  things. 
My  scruples  in  regard  to  my  spiritual  life 
had  left  me,  to  a  certain  extent ;  the  old  doubts 
no  longer  troubled  me;  my  fears  concerning 
my  salvation  slumbered.  From  association 
with  various  Jews  in  various  walks  of  life, 
my  religious  life  had  become,  like  theirs,  a 
mere  succession  of  mechanical  observances  of 
certain  rites,  and  repetition  of  certain  prayers 
at  certain  times.  All  round  me  trusted  to  the 
Law  for  their  salvation ;    why  not  I  ? 

I  passed  my  days  at  the  tailor's  shop  where 
I  was  employed,  and  my  evenings  at  the  lodg- 
ing house  where  I  shared  a  poorly  furnished 
room  with  several  other  young  Jews  in  the 
same  poor  circumstances  as  myself.  Here  my 
time  was  spent  in  reading  such  literature  as  I 
could  understand.     Being  of  a  contemplative 

34 


Adrift  35 

disposition,  I  did  not  seek  any  outside  amuse- 
ments, and  my  life  flowed  very  smoothly. 

Of  course,  I  lived  amongst  my  own  brethren 
as  I  had  in  Russia,  and  as  in  Russia,  too,  I 
was  surrounded  by  Christians.  For  some 
reason  the  latter  never  forced  themselves  upon 
my  attention,  and — strangely  enough — I  could 
sometimes  forget  that  I  was  a  Jew,  and  that 
some  of  the  people  around  me  were  not  Jews, 
but  Christians.  Scotchmen  or  Englishmen  to 
me  were  only  Scotchmen  or  Englishmen,  and 
although  they  went  to  church,  I  seriously  sus- 
pected that  they  were  not  true  Christians,  else 
— surely — they  would  have  persecuted  me.  As 
I  had  no  occasion  to  dread  them,  I  did  not 
hate  them.  Those  who  claimed  to  be  the  fol- 
lowers of  Jesus  had  ceased  to  interfere  with  my 
peace  and  well-being,  and  I  soon  ceased  to 
think  of  Jesus.    But  he  had  noticed  me. 

Among  my  roommates  there  were  two 
young  Jews  of  unsettled  habits  and  very  elas- 
tic morals.  Often,  while  I  remained  in  my 
room  during  the  evening,  they  spent  their  time 
in  sundry  resorts  and  returned  usually  late, 
rather  the  worse  for  liquor,  boisterous,  using 
unbecoming  language  and,  seemingly,  proud 
of  their  condition.    Though  my  religious  sense 


36  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

was  slumbering,  the  shock  of  the  misbehavior 
of  these  two  Jews  at  times  reawakened  it. 
They  were  a  thorn  in  my  side,  first,  because 
they  were  Jews,  members  of  the  chosen  race, 
whose  prime  business  in  life  should  have  been 
the  fulfillment  of  the  Law ;  and,  second,  be- 
cause I  knew  that  I  was  responsible  for  them 
before  God,  and  that  the  greatest  devotion  on 
my  part  would  fail  to  atone  for  such  sins.  To 
my  remonstrances  they  answered  with  sneers 
and  blasphemy,  and  their  wickedness  grew 
from  day  to  day. 

I  had  given  them  up  as  hopeless,  sent  into 
this  world  by  Jehovah  as  a  further  punishment 
of  Israel  for  their  great  sins,  when,  to  my 
surprise  and  gratification,  I  began  to  notice  a 
change  in  the  two  young  men.  They  still 
spent  their  evenings  away  from  home  and  re- 
turned late,  but  they  were  now  quiet  in  their 
manner,  and  if  one  of  them  attempted  to  use 
boisterous  language,  the  other  would  check  him 
with  the  question,  "What  would  Mr.  Matthews 
think  of  this  ?"  At  times  their  old  habits  would 
reassert  themselves  ;  but  after  such  occurrences 
they  usually  looked  ashamed  and  depressed  in 
spirit. 

I  asked  them  where  they  now  spent  their 


Adrift  37 

w<mings.  They  answered  that  they  went  to 
a  mission  presided  over  by  a  Jew  who  had 
accepted  Christianity  and  was  preaching  Christ 
to  the  Jews.  They  added  that  I  could  derive 
some  spiritual  benefit  from  an  occasional  visit 
to  that  place. 

In  an  instant  my  old  prejudices  and  my  old 
hatred  for  Christ  and  Christianity  returned  in 
all  their  vehemence,  and  I  literally  fumed  and 
raged.  The  idea  of  asking  me,  a  true  and 
faithful  son  of  Abraham,  to  profane  the  holy 
name  of  God  by  going  to  a  mission  and  listen- 
ing to  a  "Meshumod"  preaching  "their  God," 
"the  God  of  the  Gentiles !"  If  the  preacher 
had  been  only  a  poor,  ignorant  Gentile 
(although,  of  course,  I  should  not  have  gone 
to  listen  to  his  profanity)  the  invitation  of 
those  two  Jews  would  not  have  been  so  pre- 
posterous, for  a  Gentile  could  not  be  expected 
to  understand  the  enormity  of  his  blasphemy 
in  exalting  the  name  of  Jesus  of  Nazareth. 
But  a  Jew !  Think  of  a  Jew  who  had  the 
Law  and  who  knew  the  true  God,  preaching 
idolatry  and  inviting  his  brethren  to  leave  the 
God  of  our  fathers  and  to  worship  the  man 
who  not  only  hated  us  himself,  but  commanded 
his  followers  to  hate  and  persecute  us !   Think 


38  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

of  a  Jew  advising  his  brethren  to  bow  their 
knees  before  the  images  of  the  "Mother  of 
God"  and  of  the  saints,  to  go  to  church  and 
do  the  thousands  of  things  which,  as  I  thought, 
went  to  make  up  the  Christian  religion !  And 
I  shuddered  as  I  recollected  some  of  the  Jews 
in  Russia  who  had  gone  over  to  "them."  I 
cannot  describe  my  feelings  towards  those 
men,  in  fact,  it  would  be  useless  to  attempt  it, 
for  only  an  orthodox  Jew  can  conceive  the 
depth  of  my  hatred  for  them. 

It  was  in  vain  that  my  two  Jewish  friends 
endeavored  to  explain  to  me  that  their  mis- 
sionary did  not  resemble  the  typical  Christian 
of  my  conception.  To  me  all  converts  from 
Judaism  were  alike,  pledged  to  carry  out  what 
I  had  been  taught  were  the  behests  of  Jesus 
to  hate  the  Jews  as  long  as  the  world  en- 
dured. Then,  I  was  sure,  their  motives  in 
embracing  Christianity  were  in  every  case  of 
the  most  sordid  kind.  I  remembered  one  young 
Jew  in  Russia,  a  school-teacher,  who  had  ap- 
plied for  a  position  to  which  was  attached  a 
monthly  salary  of  ten  roubles  in  excess  of 
that  which  he  was  receiving.  On  being  in- 
formed that  his  religion  barred  him  from  that 
position,   he   promptly   "became   a    Christian" 


Adrift  39 

by  joining  the  Greek  church,  and  received  the 
coveted  appointment.  I  remembered  another 
young  Jew  who  had  become  a  Christian  for 
the  sake  of  a  petty  commission  in  the  army, 
which  no  Jew  could  hold  in  Russia.  Still  an- 
other one  had  done  the  same  thing  for  the 
sake  of  a  position  as  schoolmaster  in  a  village 
school,  with  a  salary  of  twelve  rubles  a 
month !  Think  of  a  Jew  consenting  to  wor- 
ship in  a  place  of  abomination  during  his  entire 
lifetime  here  and  to  go  to  eternal  perdition 
after  death  for  the  sake  of  such  miserable  in- 
ducements !  And  that  was  not  the  end  of  the 
story  of  their  degradation.  Their  Christian 
neighbors  (although  glad,  of  course,  to  have 
won  over  at  least  a  few  of  the  unbelievers 
to  their  side),  could  not,  in  their  sober  mo- 
ments, fail  to  see  into  their  mercenary  motives, 
and  looked  upon  them  with  suspicion ;  it  be- 
hooved them,  therefore,  to  manifest  a  great 
zeal  for  the  cause  of  Christ  and,  as  a  rule, 
they  vied  with  the  Gentiles  in  going  to  mass, 
in  observing  the  feasts  and  the  fasts  and,  par- 
ticularly, in  hating  and  persecuting  their 
(former)  brethren.  When,  in  connection  with 
this  religious  zeal,  we  take  into  consideration 
the  fact  that  these  renegades  were,  without  ex- 


40  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

ception,  confirmed  infidels,  their  character  will 
stand  out  clear  and  well  defined.  As  a  conse- 
quence, their  names  were  a  hissing  and  a 
byword  in  every  Jewish  household,  and  shame 
and  reproach  were  heaped  upon  every  man, 
woman  and  child  in  any  way  connected  with 
them. 

And  this  missionary  into  whose  unclean 
place  my  two  friends  were  trying  to  entice 
me,  what  could  he  be,  but  another  of  those 
miserable,  sordid  renegades,  who  had  con- 
tracted with  the  Devil  to  preach  Jesus  and 
persecute  the  poor,  innocent  Jews,  while  his 
life  endured,  for  the  sake  of  some  monetary 
consideration  ?  I  felt  certain  that  such  were 
the  facts  in  the  case.  And  as  for  his  eager- 
ness to  preach  Christ  to  the  Jews,  was  not 
that  an  indication  of  his  great  hatred  for  our 
race?  What  other  means  could  he  have  se- 
lected half  as  efficacious  for  bringing  misery 
upon  Israel  as  the  inducing  of  some  of  the 
weaker  members  of  the  community  to  damn 
their  own  souls  and  those  of  their  relatives  for 
all  eternity  ?  Incidentally,  their  great  crime  re- 
flected on  the  safety  of  all  Israel,  for  we  were 
all  responsible  one  for  another.  Altogether, 
it  was  a  diabolical  scheme,  cunningly  laid  and 


Adrift  41 

carried  out.  The  missionary  was  altogether 
too  horrible  a  creature  to  associate  with. 

My  two  Jewish  friends  had  not  as  yet  be- 
come Christians,  although  they  had  been  visit- 
ing the  mission  for  some  time,  and,  on  the 
whole,  they  were  morally  improved.  But  then, 
they  were  really  as  bad  as  Christians,  for  they 
did  not  observe  the  Law  at  all,  and  their 
morals  were  very  loose.  And,  after  all,  it 
would  have  been  better  for  them  if  they  had 
remained  in  their  horrible  state,  for  now  they 
were  confronted  by  the  tremendous  danger 
of  becoming  Christians,  in  comparison  with 
which  drunkenness  and  all  other  crimes  were 
mere  pastime  and  innocent  amusements. 

I  firmly  resolved  to  steer  clear  of  the  ac- 
cursed place;   and  I  strove  to  forget  it. 

However,  my  curiosity  had  been  aroused. 
Often,  when  the  two  Jewish  youths  returned 
home,  sober  and  in  good  spirits,  I  caught  my- 
self speculating  on  the  nature  of  the  mission. 
I  ascribed  these  thoughts  to  Satan,  and  earn- 
estly prayed  to  God  to  deliver  me  from  the 
tempter.  But  in  spite  of  my  prayers  the  de- 
sire to  visit  the  mission  grew  stronger  and 
stronger  within  me. 

One  incident  particularly  served  to  stimulate 


42  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

this  desire.  One  evening  my  two  Jewish 
friends  returned  from  their  usual  haunts  rather 
late,  and  I  could  see  at  a  glance  that  they 
had  not  spent  the  evening  at  the  mission. 
They  were  discussing  their  exploits  with  evi- 
dent satisfaction,  when  one  of  them  suddenly 
interrupted  his  friend,  exclaiming,  "That  is 
all  very  well,  only,  what  would  Mr.  Matthews 
say  to  this  ?"  A  hush  fell  over  the  two  young 
men  and  they  both  looked  guilty  and  ashamed. 
I  was  greatly  astonished  and  asked  them  if 
Mr.  Matthews,  being  a  renegade,  would  not 
rejoice  if  he  knew  that  they  were  so  very 
bad,  almost  as  bad  as  Christians?  "As  bad 
as  Christians?"  they  said.  "Henry,  you  know 
not  whereof  you  speak.  We  can  never  be 
like  them,  for  true  Christians  are  good."  Of 
course  this  appeared  so  ridiculous  that  I  burst 
out  laughing.  Who  could  imagine  a  good 
Christian?  My  friends  simply  said,  "Come 
and  see."  They  seemed  so  positive  about  their 
statement  that  I  began  to  think  at  times  that, 
possibly,  I  had  received  a  false  impression  of 
the  Christians.  Such  thoughts  were  only  fleet- 
ing, for  the  next  moment  I  usually  thought, 
"But  think  of  the  Man  they  follow !"  How 
can  they  be  good  ?    Nevertheless,  my  desire  to 


Adrift  43 

visit  the  mission  grew  stronger  and  stronger. 
Once  I  had  almost  offered  the  two  young  men 
to  accompany  them,  when  the  horror  of  the 
contemplated  step  presented  itself  to  me  in  all 
its  blackness. 

So  the  summer  passed.  The  evenings  grew 
longer  and  colder  and  more  tedious  in  the 
cheerless  lodging  house.  My  two  friends  spent 
correspondingly  happier  hours  at  the  mission ; 
they  looked  very  comfortable  on  returning. 

I  now  permitted  myself  more  often  to  think 
of  the  place  which  they  described  in  such  at- 
tractive terms,  and  gradually  the  place  began 
to  lose  its  terrible  aspect.  At  least,  I  reasoned, 
no  possible  harm  could  befall  me  if  I  should 
step  into  the  mission,  for  no  one  could  compel 
me  to  become  a  Christian  against  my  will, 
although  there  is  this  common  belief  among 
the  Jews  that  the  missionaries  often  use  trick- 
ery once  they  have  you  inside  their  mission. 
One  of  their  favorite  methods  (so  we  were 
told)  was  to  brand  a  cross  upon  the  seduced's 
left  arm  on  the  place  where  one  of  the  phy- 
lacteries is  put  during  the  morning  worship. 
This  is  done  by  every  foul  means  imaginable ; 
its  purpose  is  that  the  victim  might  never  again 
be  able  to  return   to  Judaism.     Perhaps  my 


44  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

influence  would  serve  to  bring-  the  poor,  miser- 
able renegade  back  to  his  duties  as  a  Jew ! 

One  evening,  when  my  friends  found  me 
particularly  depressed  they  urged  me  to  come 
with  them  to  the  mission.  I  consented.  But 
the  next  instant  I  began  to  feel  that  I  was  a 
monster,  a  traitor  to  the  cause  of  Israel, 
to  the  Law  and  to  the  God  of  the  Jews.  I 
thought  of  my  mother,  my  sister,  my  brother 
and  of  the  everlasting  shame  that  I  would 
bring  upon  them  by  my  thoughtless  and  blas- 
phemous act.  I,  a  true  Jew,  a  son  of  Abraham, 
Isaac  and  Jacob,  a  child  of  the  Law,  would 
step  into  a  Christian  mission  and  listen  to  the 
blasphemous  teachings  of  the  Jew-hating,  God- 
hating  Christ ;  who  commanded  men  to  in- 
dulge in  all  of  those  excesses  to  which  the 
Christians  gave  themselves  up,  in  obedience  to 
his  voice !  If,  as  the  rabbis  taught,  I  was 
entitled  to  a  reward  for  merely  entering  the 
synagogue,  even  though  I  did  not  pray,  then 
I  would  be,  of  course,  in  danger  of  damnation 
for  entering  an  abominable  mission,  even 
though  I  did  not  bow  to  Jesus.  I  grew  nervous 
and  could  scarcely  eat  my  food ;  but,  desiring 
to  appear  strong  and  brave,  I  concluded  not 
to  withdraw  my  consent. 


Adrift  45 

After  supper  I  started  for  the  mission.  My 
heart  beat  wildly  and  my  cheeks  grew  pale  as 
we  approached  the  terrible  place.  I  fancied 
that  all  Israel  was  looking  at  me,  and  I  cast 
furtive  glances  to  see  if  any  Jews  saw  me. 
Fortunately,  the  mission  was  situated  away 
from  the  Jewish  quarter,  and  I  met  no  Jews. 
Several  times  I  was  on  the  point  of  bolting, 
but  the  desire  to  appear  brave  restrained  me. 
My  brain  was  on  fire,  my  knees  were  bending 
under  me,  a  thousand  voices  rang  in  my  ears, 
each  one  crying  that  I  was  lost,  lost ! 

Yet  I  could  not  resist  the  force  that  was 
impelling  me  onward,  for  it  was  God  himself 
who,  in  his  great  mercy,  had  looked  down  upon 
me,  a  poor,  lost  sheep,  and  had  sent  his  Son 
to  find  me.  Moving  against  my  will,  and 
crying  out  to  myself  in  the  anguish  of  my 
soul,  yet  not  possessing  strength  enough  to 
retrace  my  steps,  I,  with  my  two  companions, 
soon  found  myself  in  front  of  the  mission. 

How  can  I  describe  my  feelings  at  that  fate- 
ful moment?  Here  I  was,  about  to  enter  an 
accursed,  abominable  mission.  I,  the  pious 
Jewish  youth,  whose  duty  it  was  to  avoid  every- 
thing connected  with  Christ  and  his  followers, 
to  detest  his  churches,  to  resent  his  cruelty,  to 


46  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

hate  every  Jew  who  spoke  his  name,  I  was 
about  to  enter  a  mission  devoted  to  preaching 
him  to  the  Jews !  I  could  see  my  mother  and 
my  sister  and  brother  looking  at  me  in  ter- 
ror, and  my  townspeople  pointing  their  fingers 
at  me  in  their  rage ;  I  could  hear  the  entire 
Jewish  race  shouting  at  me  in  their  fury ;  I 
could  see  the  Law  hurling  its  curses  at  me, 
and  Gehenna  open  at  my  feet.  In  my  terror, 
I  wished  to  run  away  from  that  horrible  place, 
but  God  would  not  let  me.  I  was  powerless 
to  turn ;  I  felt  that  some  mysterious  force, 
stronger  than  I,  was  controlling  me  and  lead- 
ing me  on. 

Presently  I  found  myself  within  the  build- 
ing. Trembling  in  every  limb,  I  stood  there, 
conscious  of  being  in  a  very  pleasant,  warm 
room,  but  terrified  at  the  thought  that,  at  any 
moment,  the  terrible  renegade  was  liable  to 
pounce  upon  my  defenseless  person  and  bap- 
tize me  forcibly,  thus  making  me  a  Christian, 
as,  I  knew,  the  Russian  Government  had  been 
wont  to  do  with  young  Jews  in  the  days  of 
Nicholas  the  First. 

While  I  was  still  trembling,  he  came.  I 
looked  at  the  venerable  Israelite  with  his 
benevolent  face  and  kindly  eyes ;    I   felt  the 


Adrift  47 

warm  grasp  of  his  hand ;  I  heard  his  friendly, 
fatherly  greeting,  and  I  stood  literally  dumb 
with  astonishment.  When  finally  I  did  re- 
gain the  use  of  my  voice,  I  could  only  stammer 
these  words : 

"Surely,  you  are  not  a  Meshumod?" 
"No,  no,  my  child,"  he  answered.     "I  am 
not  a  Meshumod  ;   what  an  idea !" 
"But  you  believe  in  Jesus  Christ?" 
"With  all  my  heart.     But,  my  friend,  I  also 
believe   in   the   God   of  Abraham,    Isaac   and 
Jacob,  the  only  true  God.     I  am  a  Jew  like 
yourself,  and  I  love  my  people.     I  know  what 
you  have  in  mind  when  you  speak  of  a  Mesh- 
umod, and  I  must  tell  you  that  you  will  find 
nobody    like    that    in    this   mission.      Our    re- 
ligion is  the  religion  of  Israel,  with  some  slight 
difference,  which  I  cannot  now  discuss  with 
you.     But  we  shall   speak  of   it  some   other 
time." 

"And  you  believe  in  Jesus  Christ?" 
"Yes,  brother;   with  all  my  heart  and  soul," 
answered  the  venerable  missionary. 

For  the  moment  I  felt  that  I  was  reduced 
to  a  state  bordering  on  imbecility.  I  could  not 
explain  the  situation.  This  patriarchal  Jew, 
with   flowing  beard   and   sweet,   kindly   eyes, 


48  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

looked  very  much  like  a  rabbi ;  he  claimed 
to  love  the  Jews  and  to  believe  in  the  God 
of  our  fathers;  and  yet,  in  the  same  breath 
he  confessed  his  belief  in  Jesus  Christ !  Surely, 
one  of  us  two  was  mad,  and  I  was  certain  that 
it  was  my  mind  which  was  affected ;  I  felt 
that  the  struggle  through  which  I  had  gone 
lately  had  been  too  much  for  me. 

While  I  was  still  standing  there  in  my  be- 
wilderment, the  friendly,  fatherly  voice  of  the 
missionary  invited  me  to  look  around  and 
make  myself  comfortable. 

The  room  was  large.  A  bright,  cheerful  fire 
was  burning  on  the  hearth ;  several  groups 
of  Jewish  young  men  were  gathered  at  several 
tables,  some  reading  very  earnestly,  while 
others  were  playing  chess,  checkers  or  other 
games,  chatting  pleasantly  and  apparently  feel- 
ing quite  contented.  I  examined  some  of  the 
books  that  lay  scattered  on  a  long  table  and 
noticed  that  they  were  written  in  various 
languages.  Among  others,  I  picked  up  one 
which  had  the  name  of  Jesus  Christ  printed 
in  large  Hebrew  letters  on  the  front  page ;  this 
I  quickly  dropped  as  if  it  had  burned  my 
hands,  and  went  into  the  next  room. 

This,  too,  was  a  cheerful  place,  bright  and 


Adrift  49 

warm.  In  the  center  were  two  long  tables 
presided  over  by  a  young  man  and  a  young 
woman,  respectively,  both  neatly  attired,  who 
were  teaching  a  number  of  young  Jews  to 
read  and  write  English.  The  teachers  were 
not  Jews;  yet  study  their  faces  as  I  would,  I 
could  discover  nothing  but  kindness  and 
benevolence  in  them ;  they  literally  shone  with 
goodness.  I  almost  wished  that  I  could  dis- 
cover at  least  a  trace  of  brutality  about  them 
in  order  that  my  established  opinion  of  the 
Christians  should  not  suffer  at  the  very  first 
close  contact  with  those  whom  I  had  been 
taught  to  hate,  but  it  was  in  vain ;  kindlier 
faces  I  had  never  seen  in  my  life.  Certainly, 
I  could  not  remember  a  face  half  as  kindly 
among  the  prospective  rabbis  at  the  Yeshiva. 
This  room  was  fitted  with  a  small  pulpit  from 
which  Mr.  Matthews  addressed  his  visitors 
nightly  after  school  and  held  special  services 
every  Saturday  and  Sunday. 

A  third  room,  adjoining  the  schoolroom,  also 
looked  very  inviting.  This  was  the  mission- 
ary's private  sanctum  in  which  he  met,  enter- 
tained and  instructed  earnest  inquirers.  Next 
to  this  room  were  Mr.  Matthews'  private  apart- 
ments, where  his  daughter  kept  house  for  him. 


50  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

I  was  so  engrossed  by  what  I  saw  that  I 
could  not  give  myself  any  clear  account  of 
what  I  felt.  The  entire  place  bore  an  air  of 
welcome;  I  felt  better  than  I  had  ever  felt 
in  my  unattractive  lodgings ;  so  much  better, 
that  in  a  few  minutes  I  had  forgotten  that  I 
was  in  a  mission  where  Christ's  name  was 
preached,  that  the  presiding  genius  of  the  place 
was  a  renegade  Jew  whose  object  was  to  in- 
duce me  to  betray  my  people  and  to  believe 
in  "their  God."  I  only  knew  that  I  was  sur- 
rounded by  an  atmosphere  of  peace  and  repose 
such  as  I  had  never  known  in  my  life  be- 
fore. My  petty  troubles  and  tribulations  were 
hushed  in  that  place  of  rest,  and  I  was  liv- 
ing a  new,  hitherto  untasted  life. 

The  evening  passed  very  rapidly,  and  it  was 
rather  late  when  Mr.  Matthews  mounted  his 
pulpit  and  offered  up  a  short  prayer  invoking 
God's  blessing  on  Israel,  such  as  I  had  never 
heard  in  a  Jewish  synagogue.  While  he  was 
praying,  I  somehow  imagined  that  I  was  the 
victim  of  a  practical  joke ;  that  I  was  amongst 
orthodox  Jews  who  had  merely  brought  in 
the  name  of  Jesus  for  the  pleasure  of  confus- 
ing me,  but  that  now,  at  prayer,  they  were 
compelled  to  act  naturally  and,  of  course,  did 


Adrift  51 

not  dare  to  pronounce  that  hated  name  in  the 
presence  of  God.  However,  Mr.  Matthews 
soon  began  to  pray  God  that  his  brethren  might 
be  brought  by  the  Spirit  to  recognize  him  who 
had  died  for  their  salvation.  These,  of  course, 
were  strange  words  to  Jewish  ears,  and  to 
me  they  had  no  meaning  whatever.  The  mis- 
sionary spoke  of  a  Saviour,  a  Redeemer,  our 
Elder  Brother.  I  understood  not  a  word  of 
all  of  that,  for  I  had  never  heard  of  Jesus 
in  that  light  before;  to  me  he  was  "their 
God,"  and  nothing  more. 

Presently,  however,  Mr.  Matthews  con- 
cluded his  prayer,  telling  God  that  he  asked 
those  things  for  Israel  in  the  name  of  Jesus 
Christ.  Then  I  realized  that  he  was,  after 
all,  a  Christian  and  that  he  had  blasphemed 
in  daring  to  bring  that  detestable  name  be- 
fore God.  Just  why  he  had  prayed  to  "our 
God"  in  the  name  of  "their  God,"  or  just 
why,  having  a  God  of  his  own,  he  had  prayed 
to  "our  God"  at  all,  I  could  not  understand. 
But  the  name  of  Jesus  Christ  pronounced  so 
boldly  in  my  presence  had  a  peculiar  effect 
on  me.  I  imagine  that  if  a  sharp-pointed 
dagger  were  driven  into  my  heart,  I  should 
feel  as  I  did  at  that  moment. 


52  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

The  prayer  over,  Mr.  Matthews  pressed 
my  hand,  inviting  me  in  his  fatherly  way  to  call 
again  soon,  assuring  me  of  his  friendship  and 
apologetically  explaining  to  me  that  in  case 
of  need  or  misfortune,  I  was  not  alone  in 
the  world.  His  manner  was  so  warm  and 
friendly  that  I  caught  myself  wishing  that  I 
might  remain  with  that  man,  that  I  might 
never  again  be  compelled  to  return  to  my  dis- 
mal lodgings. 

The  next  instant  I  awoke,  as  it  were,  from 
my  trance.  A  million  voices  suddenly  burst 
forth  within  me,  bidding  me  flee  from  the  ac- 
cursed place  and  the  patriarchal  traitor.  I  for- 
got his  benevolent  face,  his  kindly  eye,  his 
warm,  sincere  handshake  and  proffers  of 
friendship ;  I  forgot  the  restfulness  and  peace- 
fulness  of  the  institution,  and  the  fact  that 
those  young  Jews  who  had  spent  such  a  use- 
ful and  enjoyable  evening  under  its  roof, 
would,  in  its  absence,  in  all  probability,  have 
spent  it  in  low  dives  laying  the  foundation  for 
a  low,  vicious  life.  I  only  knew  that  the  place 
was  a  mission,  the  man  a  missionary,  a  rene- 
gade, a  traitor,  and  I  in  imminent  danger  of 
becoming  a  Christian.    And  I  fled. 


V 
GROPING  IN  THE  DARK 

That  night  I  could  not  sleep.  The  enormity 
of  the  crime  I  had  committed  loomed  up  be- 
fore me  like  a  hideous  monster,  growing  ever 
larger  and  heavier,  as  the  sleepless  hours  slowly 
rolled  by,  and  threatening  to  drive  me  mad. 
I  grew  feverish  and  deliriously  tossed  from 
side  to  side,  vainly  trying  to  drive  the  besetting 
visions  from  before  my  eyes.  If  I  could  see 
the  terror  of  my  near  and  dear  relatives  be- 
fore I  entered  the  mission,  I  could  now  hear 
the  despairing  cry  of  my  relatives ;  if  I  could 
see  the  finger  of  scorn  pointed  at  me  before,  I 
could  now  hear  the  imprecations  hurled  at  me 
by  enraged  Israel.  I — who  had  been  carefully 
trained  in  the  knowledge  of  the  God  of  the 
Jews  and  of  the  Law,  who  had  been  taught 
always  to  remember  that  I  was  a  Jew,  as  long 
as  breath  endured — had  proved  a  traitor  to 
my  God,  to  my  nation  and  to  the  Law  by 
entering  an  unclean  place  where  the  name  of 
Christ,    Israel's    archenemy,    was    spoken.      I 

53 


54  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

felt  that  I  was  lost ;  I  did  not  even  dare  to 
pray,  for  I  well  remembered  the  Talmudic 
maxim  that  "all  sins  might  be  forgiven  save 
the  sin  of  worshiping  strange  gods."  And  had 
not  my  visit  to  the  mission  been  an  act  equiv- 
alent to  idol-worship? 

I  groaned  aloud  and  cast  about  for  a  means 
whereby  I  might  atone  for  my  terrible  act  of 
treason.  I  thought  of  the  three  graces :  Re- 
pentance, Prayer  and  Charity.  And  again  I 
groaned  as  I  realized  that  not  even  they  could 
wash  away  my  stain.  My  case  was  hopeless. 
Under  the  circumstances,  I  did  the  only  thing 
which  seemed  to  hold  out  any  hope  for  me — 
I  resolved  never  to  step  into  that  accursed 
place  again  and  to  do  penance  for  my  crime 
in  the  hope  that  perhaps  God  would  not  per- 
mit me  to  perish. 

The  succeeding  few  weeks  were  an  endless 
round  of  misery  and  torture  to  me.  I  tried 
hard  not  to  think  of  the  missionary  nor  of 
his  mission ;  but  it  seemed  that  my  very 
effort  to  banish  them  from  my  mind  brought 
them  before  me  with  greater  constancy  and 
persistency.  The  missionary  was  ever  before 
me,  reaching  out  his  friendly  hand ;  his  soft, 
kindly  eyes  were  always  looking  into  mine ; 


Groping  in  the  Dark  55 

his  fatherly  voice  was  ever  telling-  me  of  his 
love  for  the  God  of  his  fathers — my  fathers — 
and  for  the  people  of  Israel — my  people — ever 
reminding  me  that  I  had  a  friend  in  him,  and 
inviting  me  to  come  and  see  him  again. 

At  my  "lodgings,  after  the  day's  work  was 
over,  the  struggle  continued.  The  bare  walls 
and  floor  of  the  poor  apartment  where  I  found 
shelter  had  never  looked  very  comfortable  or 
inviting;  the  coarse  jokes  and  levity  of  my 
Jewish  roommates  had  never  attracted  me. 
But  since  that  fateful  visit  to  the  mission  the 
place  seemed  like  a  prison  to  me,  and  I  could 
scarcely  tolerate  the  ways  of  my  companions. 
I  attempted  to  pursue  the  same  light  reading 
that  had  helped  me  while  away  the  evenings  in 
days  gone  by,  but  I  could  not  concentrate  my 
mind  upon  it.  In  a  few  minutes  I  would 
usually  find  myself  thinking  of  the  peaceful, 
warm,  bright  rooms  at  the  mission ;  of  the 
kindly,  patriarchal  missionary  and  of  the  beam- 
ing faces  of  the  teachers.  Everything  invited 
me  to  come  and  forget  my  loneliness  and  my 
poverty.  Then,  there  was  the  mystery  of  the 
situation.  The  rabbi-like  missionary  had  de- 
clared to  me  that  he  was  a  Jew,  not  a  Mesh- 
umod,  that  he  was  devoted  to  Israel  and  to 


56  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

Israel's  God,  and  yet  believed  in  Jesus  Christ 
with  all  his  heart.  I  could  not  understand 
that,  since  it  was  against  all  my  past  experi- 
ence.    I  must  inquire. 

So  one  evening,  several  weeks  after  my 
first  visit  to  the  mission,  having  silenced  my 
conscience,  I  found  myself  walking  slowly 
and  undecidedly  to  the  same  place  again.  The 
old  desire  to  turn  back  was  still  strong  within 
me,  but  I  resisted  it.  My  heart  still  beat 
wildly,  and  my  knees  bent  violently. 

I  did  all  in  my  power  to  quiet  my  feelings, 
assuring  myself  that  it  was  my  duty  to  inves- 
tigate the  missionary's  doctrine  to  the  end  that 
I  might  overthrow  it.  The  same  old  thought 
of  bringing  the  missionary  back  to  the  Law 
possessed  me,  and  I  tried  to  persuade  myself 
that  I,  and  not  he,  was  the  true  missionary. 
I  felt  competent  to  demonstrate  his  error  to 
my  lost  brother,  for  I  relied  on  the  Law  to 
bear  me  out  in  my  argument.  Mentally  I 
was  myself  arguing  with  the  old  gentleman, 
telling  him  all  I  knew  about  Jesus  the  im- 
postor, the  God-defying  and  Jew-hating  blas- 
phemer, telling  him  all  that  the  rabbis  had  ever 
said  against  idol-worship.  And  I  could  see 
how  the  miserable  renegade  in  a  short  time 


Groping  in  the  Dark  57 

gave  up  the  fight  and  again  confessed  the 
God  of  his  fathers.  I  became  so  enthusiastic 
over  this  thought  that,  unconsciously,  I  in- 
creased my  speed.  My  fears  and  misgivings 
left  me. 

In  a  few  minutes  I  found  myself  at  the 
mission.  Again  I  felt  the  warm  pressure  of 
Mr.  Matthews'  hand  and  heard  the  welcome 
of  his  gentle  voice.  In  the  peaceful,  benign 
atmosphere  of  the  quiet  mission  all  thoughts 
of  bitterness  and  of  strife  fled  from  my  mind. 
Again  I  saw  several  young  Jews  reading  very 
attentively,  a  few  others  amusing  themselves 
in  an  orderly  manner,  and,  in  the  adjoining 
room,  a  number  of  others  still  studying  under 
the  guidance  of  several  Christian  young  men 
and  women,  just  as  benevolent  looking  as 
those  two  whom  I  had  seen  on  the  occasion 
of  my  first  visit  to  the  mission.  That  same 
mysterious  sense  of  peace  and  well-being  pos- 
sessed me,  and  even  in  greater  degree  than 
before. 

I  spent  a  very  pleasant  evening,  and  again 
Mr.  Matthews  dismissed  us  with  a  prayer  and 
spoke  of  Jesus  as  our  Friend  who  had  given 
up  his  life  on  the  cross  to  the  end  that  we 
might   have    everlasting   life.      Once   more    I 


58  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

felt  that  sharp,  unpleasant  sensation  about  my 
heart. 

Of  course,  I  had  been  looking  all  my  life 
for  a  means  of  salvation — all  Jews  were  doing 
the  same  every  day ;  I  had  kept  the  Law 
scrupulously  in  the  hope  of  salvation ;  in  my 
prayers,  together  with  the  rest  of  my  brethren, 
I  had  invoked  the  merits  of  the  saints,  hoping 
to  get  salvation  through  them,  yet  never  feel- 
ing sure  of  my  ground.  I  welcomed,  there- 
fore, the  thought  of  a  Saviour.  But  why  did 
not  Mr.  Matthews  mention  as  my  Saviour  some 
rabbi  who  had  written  some  nice  little  fence 
about  a  point  of  the  Law  in  the  Talmud? 
Such  a  Saviour  I  could  have  welcomed  with 
joy.  But  when  I  heard  that  my  Saviour  was 
he,  the  "God  of  the  Gentiles,"  a  pang  of  hor- 
ror, cutting  and  repelling,  shot  through  my 
heart.  I  could  not  contain  myself,  and  as 
soon  as  he  had  finished  speaking,  I  asked  the 
missionary  how  he,  an  intelligent  Jew,  could 
speak  in  that  manner  about  the  greatest  enemy 
the  Jews  had  ever  had. 

"My  son,"  he  answered  very  calmly  and 
kindly,  "I  see  that  you  have  heard  of  the 
Lord  Jesus  Christ.  If  you  are  really  inter- 
ested in  the  subject,  join  me  over  a  cup  of 


Groping  in  the  Dark  59 

tea  next  Thursday  evening-,  and  we  shall  dis- 
cuss it.  A  bright  young  man  like  you  might 
be  able  to  convince  me  that  I  am  wrong;  I 
am  not  too  old  to  learn." 

I  eagerly  accepted  the  invitation,  particularly 
when  Mr.  Matthews  informed  me  that  there 
would  be  nothing  about  the  tea  which  could 
in  any  way  offend  my  orthodox  instinct.  I 
wondered  greatly  that  he  was  not  afraid  to 
offer  such  a  challenge  to  a  Jew  who,  he  might 
have  known,  could  expose  his  error  and  shat- 
ter his  idol  in  short  order.  I  already  gloated 
over  the  thought  of  how  I  would  confound 
the  missionary. 

The  succeeding  two  days  I  spent  in  review- 
ing my  knowledge  of  ''their  God."  I  felt  that 
I  was  going  to  fight  the  battle  of  the  God  of 
Abraham,  Isaac  and  Jacob  against  the  abom- 
ination of  the  Christians,  even  as  the  zealots 
of  old  had  fought  against  Baal  and  Astarte, 
and  that  it  behooved  me,  therefore,  to  gird 
my  loins  with  the  strength  of  knowledge.  I 
recalled  every  word  that  I  had  ever  heard  con- 
cerning Jesus  Christ,  seeking  a  point  of  vantage 
from  which  to  attack  him.  I  reviewed  the 
scandalous  story  with  which  I  was  so  familiar, 
and   the   atrocities   which  the   Christians   had 


60  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

practiced,  and  were  still  practicing  against  the 
Jews — and  stopped.  Try  as  I  might,  I  could 
not  discover  that  I  possessed  any  knowledge 
whatever  bearing  on  the  person  or  claims  of 
Jesus  of  Nazareth.  I  could  hurl  invectives 
against  him ;  I  could  upbraid  the  Jew  who 
believed  on  him  for  being  a  traitor  to  the 
God  of  Israel,  but  for  the  first  time  in  my 
life  I  was  forced  to  admit  to  myself  that  my 
reasons  for  so  doing  were  based  on  nothing; 
that  I  knew  nothing  of  Jesus,  save  the  story 
I  had  been  told  at  home. 

On  the  other  hand,  why  should  a  child  of 
the  Law  devote  his  time  to  the  study  of  such 
an  abomination  as  the  life  of  Jesus  Christ, 
the  God  of  the  Gentiles?  Was  not  that  story 
sufficient  to  confound  all  those  who  believed 
in  him?  And  besides,  since  all  Jews  spoke 
so  much  against  Jesus,  I  reasoned  that  there 
must  undoubtedly  be  an  abundance  of  pas- 
sages in  the  Law  which  confirm  their  views, 
although  I  myself  had  never  come  across  any 
of  them.  Now,  if  only  I  mentioned  the  Law 
and  the  Prophets  in  a  general  way,  what  could 
the  missionary  possibly  say  in  the  defense  of 
his  God?  And  I  already  saw  myself  emerg- 
ing from  the  contest  with  colors  flying. 


Groping  in  the  Dark  61 

Thursday  evening  I  repaired  to  the  mission. 
Mr.  Matthews  met  me  with  his  usual  cor- 
diality and  ushered  me  into  his  private  room, 
where  he  introduced  me  to  his  daughter,  an 
estimable  lady  about  thirty  years  of  age,  who 
greeted  me  so  pleasantly  that,  in  spite  of  the 
knowledge  that  I  was  with  a  pair  of  renegade 
Jews,  I  was  forced  to  admit  to  myself  that 
never  in  my  life  before  had  I  felt  so  comfort- 
able or  at  ease  as  I  did  in  that  pleasant  room, 
warmed  by  the  presence  of  those  two  follow- 
ers of  Jesus  even  more  than  by  the  bright 
fire  on  the  hearth. 

Soon  I  was  seated  at  the  table.  Mr.  Mat- 
thews chatted  very  pleasantly  about  various 
subjects  connected  with  my  past  experiences 
and  present  life,  but  not  for  an  instant  did  he 
touch  on  the  one  thing  which  was  foremost 
in  my  mind  and  for  the  sake  of  which  I 
was  there — the  discussion  of  Jesus.  Surely  I 
had  already  obtained  a  victory  without  speak- 
ing. The  miserable  sinner  knew  that  I  had 
the  Law  on  my  side. 

Yet  I  was  not  quite  satisfied  with  my  easy 
victory ;  by  every  instinct  of  the  rabbinical 
training  I  had  received,  I  felt  impelled  to  con- 
found  my   adversary   and  to  compel   him  to 


62  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

admit  his  defeat.  While  I  was  planning  the 
first  step  of  attack,  the  old  gentleman,  as  if 
divining  my  thoughts,  suddenly  changed  the 
subject  and  asked  me  about  my  hopes  for  the 
hereafter.  This  gave  me  the  desired  opening. 
Very  warmly  I  upbraided  the  old  gentleman 
for  forsaking  the  only  people  in  the  world 
who  were  certain  of  a  place  in  heaven,  since 
it  was  their  God  who  owned  it.  How  could 
he  ask  me  about  my  hopes?  The  sole  fact 
that  I  was  a  son  of  Abraham  insured  me  a 
high  place  in  Paradise;  and  he,  as  a  Jew, 
knew  well  that  no  member  of  any  other  nation 
was  destined  to  see  heaven. 

I  was  excited,  but  my  host  was  calm  and 
placid.  Not  for  an  instant  did  his  pleasant 
smile  leave  his  countenance ;  his  voice  was 
quiet  and  cheerful.  He  reminded  me  that 
there  were  many  bad  men  among  the  Jews. 
I  retorted  that  the  spiritual  condition  of  the 
Jews  did  not  matter,  that  the  one  important 
fact  was  that  they  were  Jews.  To  his  sug- 
gestion that  many  of  them  did  not  believe 
in  the  God  of  Abraham,  I  replied  that  even 
this  was  not  important,  so  long  as  they  re- 
mained Jews  and  did  not  bow  their  knees  to 
idols,  for,  when  they  should  come  to  see  our 


Groping  in  the  Dark  63 

God  face  to  face,  they  would,  of  necessity,  be- 
lieve in  him. 

"Yet,"  he  said,  "if  you  have  ever  read  your 
Bible,  you  know  that  Moses  cursed  the  Jews 
who  should  not  fulfill  all  of  the  Law."  "Oh, 
the  curse  pertained  only  to  very  great  sin- 
ners," I  answered,  hesitatingly,  feeling  that 
the  missionary  had  scored  a  slight  point. 

"According  to  your  belief,  then,"  he  said, 
"such  sins  as  are  commonly  committed  in  Israel 
daily,  sins  against  the  Ten  Commandments 
even,  nay,  more,  even  the  denial  of  God  him- 
self, the  Holy  One  of  Israel,  are  only  slight 
offenses  which  do  not  come  under  the  curse 
of  Moses  ?  Can  you  name  the  great  sins  which 
do  come  under  it  and  which  the  Jews  do  not 
commit?" 

I  remained  silent  for  a  while,  then  said, 
"Granting  that  some  of  the  Jews  are  very 
great  sinners,  their  hopes  are  nevertheless 
bright  for  the  sake  of  the  religious  members 
of  the  community." 

Then  he  opened  the  Bible,  and  I  read  in 
Ezekiel  18 : 4,  "The  soul  that  sinneth,  it  shall 
die." 

"Now,"  said  the  missionary,  "according  to 
Moses,  sin  is  the  omission  of  a  point  of  the 


64  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

Law.  And  what  have  our  rabbis  to  say  about 
salvation  ?  'The  ignorant  have  no  share  in 
the  world  to  come.'  And  for  good  reasons, 
because  the  knowledge  of  the  Law  must 
precede  its  fulfillment.  My  son,  once  more 
I  ask  you,  what  are  your  hopes  for  the 
hereafter?  Do  you  know  and  keep  all  of  the 
Law?" 

I  admitted  that  I  did  not ;  but  I  argued  that 
I  was  leading  an  orthodox  life  such  as  I  had 
been  taught  to  lead;  that  I  prayed,  kept  most 
of  the  commandments,  went  to  synagogue 
on  Sabbaths  and  holidays,  and  did  many  more 
things  which  the  Jews  considered  important 
and  counted  as  righteousness. 

Then  Mr.  Matthews  opened  the  book  of 
Isaiah,  chapter  64,  verse  6,  and  I  read : 

"But  we  are  all  as  an  unclean  thing,  and 
all  our  righteousnesses  are  as  filthy  rags." 

"We  must  not  take  this  too  seriously,  Mr. 
Matthews,"  I  said,  "for  this  was  said  by  Isa- 
iah, who  was  only  a  prophet.  Now,  if  Moses 
or  the  rabbis  had  said  it,  then,  of  course,  there 
would  have  been  authority  in  the  words." 

Mr.  Matthews  then  invited  me  to  read 
Deuteronomy  18:  18,  pointing  out  that  Moses 
himself  had  put  those  who  according  to  my 


Groping  in  the  Dark  65 

statement  were  "only  prophets"  on  an  equal 
footing  with  himself,  indicating  that  their 
words  were  of  equal  authority  with  his  own, 
both  being  the  words  of  Jehovah. 

I  was  literally  bewildered  when  I  realized 
that  I  had  overlooked  so  many  fundamental 
truths  of  the  Law  on  which  depended  my  hopes 
for  salvation.  I  was  grieved  and  exasperated 
at  the  thought  that  it  had  remained  for  a 
renegade  to  point  out  those  truths  to  me,  an 
orthodox  Jew.  But  I  consoled  myself  with 
the  thought  that  the  excellent  knowledge  of 
the  Law  would  contribute  to  the  greater  dam- 
nation of  the  traitor,  for  I  had  been  taught 
that  of  those  who  knew  much,  much  was  re- 
quired. Anyway,  how  did  my  lack  of  knowl- 
edge of  the  Law  affect  the  standing  of  the 
impostor  Jesus?  I  therefore  reminded  the 
missionary  of  the  true  object  of  my  visit — 
the  discussion  of  Jesus,  the  enemy  of  the 
Jews. 

He  answered  that  he  was  not  acquainted  with 
that  Jesus ;  that  I  must  be  mistaken  in  the 
identity  of  the  person ;  that  the  Jesus  whom 
he  knew  was  a  friend  of  the  Jews ;  that,  in 
fact,  he  had  consented  to  a  shameful  death  on 
the  cross   to  the   end   that  the  Jews,  before 


66  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

others,  might  have  salvation,  and  that,  dying  at 
their  hands,  he  had  prayed  for  them. 

"Oh,"  I  said,  "Mr.  Matthews,  if  you  only 
knew  what  I  know  about  him,  you  would 
change  your  mind  on  the  subject." 

And  I  proceeded  to  unfold  before  the  mis- 
sionary the  story  which  had  been  so  well 
drilled  into  my  mind,  feeling  while  I  was  tell- 
ing that  now  I  had  conquered.  As  I  spoke, 
the  old  man's  eyes  became  sad,  and  when  I 
had  finished  they  were  filled  with  tears. 

"My  poor  child,"  he  said  to  me  with  com- 
passion, "have  they  compelled  you  to  listen 
to  such  horrible  tales  about  my  Saviour — your 
Saviour?  Tales  which  no  sane  man  would 
utter?  May  God  forgive  those  who  have 
taught  you  to  believe  such  madness,  and  may 
he  help  me  to  undo  the  mischief  wrought  in 
you  by  our  poor,  ignorant,  deluded  brethren. 
Your  soul  is  too  precious  in  the  sight  of  God 
to  permit  it  to  perish  on  account  of  such  an 
idle  and  blasphemous  tale.  Rid  your  mind  of 
this  poison ;  study  the  Law  and  the  Prophets. 
We  have  already  established  the  fact  that  our 
prophets  spoke  the  word  of  God.  Now,  let 
us  hear  what  Isaiah  has  to  say  concerning  the 
birth  of  Jesus." 


Groping  in  the  Dark  67 

He  pointed  to  Isaiah  7 :  14,  and  I  read : 

"Therefore,  the  Lord  himself  shall  give  you 
a  sign :  Behold,  a  virgin  shall  conceive,  and 
bear  a  son." 

"Now,"  continued  the  missionary,  "read 
chapter  nine,  sixth  verse  of  the  same  prophet." 

And  I  read : 

"For  unto  us  a  child  is  born,  unto  us  a 
son  is  given :  and  the  government  shall  be 
upon  his  shoulder :  and  his  name  shall  be 
called  Wonderful,  Counsellor,  The  mighty 
God,  The  everlasting  Father,  The  Prince  of 
Peace." 

"Nay,  nay,  my  brother,"  said  Mr.  Matthews 
very  kindly,  noticing  my  great  confusion,  "do 
not  imagine  that  I  blame  you  for  not  knowing 
that  which,  as  a  Jew,  it  is  your  duty  to  know. 
Only,  try  to  correct  the  defect.  Here  is  a 
copy  of  the  Bible — your  own  Old  Testament — 
study  it.  As  a  supplement  to  what  we  have 
read  this  evening,  read  the  fifty-third  chapter 
of  Isaiah.  And  now,  may  God  bless  you,  my 
son." 


VI 

COMING  TO  THE  LIGHT 

It  would  be  a  mistake  to  think  that  my 
conversion  was  accomplished  that  night.  I  left 
the  mission  confused  and  angry.  On  my  way 
home  I  could  only  upbraid  myself  for  my  de- 
feat and  for  permitting  a  miserable  renegade 
to  silence  me,  a  child  of  the  Law.  When  my 
anger  abated  somewhat,  my  thoughts  took  an- 
other turn,  and  I  was  forced  to  admit  that 
something  was  wrong.  Later,  through  the 
silence  of  the  night,  I  could  only  repeat  to 
myself  the  same  assertion.  Now,  who  was 
wrong?  Surely  not  the  rabbis.  It  must 
be  the  Christians.  Yet,  the  missionary  had 
not  opened  his  mouth  about  the  belief 
of  the  Christians,  but  had  spoken  to  me 
of  my  own  Bible,  the  word  of  God,  which 
I  was  compelled  to  believe.  But  if  the  teach- 
ings of  the  Bible  differed  from  the  religion 
which  I  had  been  taught,  then  I  was  wrong; 
and  if  I  was  wrong,  then  all  Israel  was  wrong ; 
and  my  father  had  been  wrong  before  me,  and 

68 


Coming  to  the  Light  69 

my  mother,  and  my  teachers  and  the  rabbis — 
all,  all  were  wrong.  The  missionary,  then,  was 
right.  This  was  a  terrifying  thought,  and 
when  it  crossed  my  mind,  I  was  tempted  to 
awaken  my  slumbering  roommates  and  to 
implore  them  to  protect  me  from  the  mission- 
ary and  from  Jesus  Christ.  I  attempted  to 
seek  refuge  in  the  old  story,  but  it  appeared 
so  despicable  now  that  I  at  once  dismissed  it 
from  my  mind.  In  its  stead,  like  the  writing 
on  the  wall,  there  appeared  before  me  the 
words  of  Isaiah.  I  shuddered  and  repeated 
that  something  was  wrong. 

The  next  day,  the  struggle  continued. 
Wherever  I  looked  I  could  see  only  the 
Prophet  Isaiah  repeating  his  words  concern- 
ing the  birth  of  the  Child,  and  I  could  hear 
only  God  repeating,  "Hear  him,  for  he  speaks 
the  words  which  I  have  put  into  his  mouth !" 
The  seed  had  been  sown  in  my  heart,  and 
God,  in  his  infinite  mercy,  was  fostering  it, 
only  I,  in  my  blindness,  was  struggling  against 
the  light,  preferring  to  retain  the  band 
around  my  eyes  which,  under  the  guidance 
of  the  rabbis,  I  had  worn  all  my  life.  I  dared 
not  admit  even  to  myself  that  I  had  been 
wrong ;   my  whole  nature  rebelled  against  such 


70  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

an  acknowledgment ;  neither  could  I,  in  the 
light  of  Scripture,  delude  myself  with  the  idea 
that  I  had  been  right.  There  was  a  holy 
prophet  whom  I  had  been  commanded  to  hear 
telling  me  that  my  acts  of  righteousness  on 
which  I  had  relied  for  my  salvation  were  only 
filthy  rags ;  that  my  prayers  were  not  desired 
by  God,  Isaiah  1:11-17,  nor  my  fasts  ap- 
proved of  him,  Isaiah  58 :  5.  I  had  lived  a 
lie ;    the  holy  had  become  unclean. 

On  the  other  hand,  did  I  dare  judge  my 
mother,  my  teachers,  all  Israel?  Did  I  dare 
question  the  authority  of  the  rabbis?  I  re- 
membered that  I  had  been  particularly  trained 
to  refrain  from  such  speculations,  as  they 
always  implied  the  danger  of  unbelief.  But 
if  the  maxims  of  the  rabbis  could  not  bear 
investigation,  what  was  their  authority  ?  Then, 
was  there  a  possibility  of  the  Christians  being 
right?  At  this  horrible  thought,  I  grew  faint, 
and  all  Israel  seemed  to  shout  into  my  ears : 
"No,  no!  How  dare  you  think  that?  You 
are  a  Jew  I" 

I  resolved  to  think  no  more  on  the  subject. 
But  the  resolution  did  not  help  me,  for  it 
was  God's  voice  speaking  within  me  and  it 
would  not  keep  silent.    Then  I  determined  that 


Coming  to  the  Light  71 

as  the  missionary  had  brought  all  of  that 
trouble  upon  me,  I  would  never  again  see  him 
nor  his  mission ;  and  for  two  weeks  I  remained 
away  from  him. 

Yet  on  the  Sunday  of  the  third  week  I  found 
myself  at  the  mission  once  more,  eagerly  drink- 
ing in  the  words  of  Mr.  Matthews  concern- 
ing Jesus  of  Nazareth,  the  King  of  the  Jews. 
To  me  the  missionary  was  no  longer  speaking 
of  the  impostor  of  my  story,  but  of  the  Child 
whose  birth  Isaiah  had  prophesied,  and  who 
had  lived  a  life  of  which  I  knew  nothing. 

I  became  a  frequent  visitor  at  the  mission. 
At  times  my  Jewish  zeal  reasserted  itself,  and 
I  tried  hard  to  think  of  the  missionary  and 
of  his  mission  with  my  former  hatred ;  but 
the  attempt  always  failed.  Slowly  I  became 
accustomed  to  the  words  Saviour,  Redeemer, 
Friend. 

When  I  realized  what  a  strong  influence  the 
missionary's  words  were  exerting  over  me,  I 
began  to  feel  guilty  in  the  presence  of  my 
Jewish  brethren.  I  would  not  have  admitted 
even  to  myself  that  my  views  on  Judaism  had 
undergone  a  change,  and  I  feared  lest  my  breth- 
ren, on  noticing  my  frequent  visits  to  the  mis- 
sion, should  suspect  that  all  was  not  well  with 


72  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

me.  It  was  a  fortunate  circumstance  for  me 
that  the  mission  was  situated  away  from  the 
Jewish  quarter,  for  I  could  always  slip  away 
without  arousing  much  comment. 

Very  slowly  a  change  was  wrought  in  my 
feelings  with  regard  to  Jesus  Christ.  As  I 
listened  to  Mr.  Matthews  from  day  to  day 
and  from  week  to  week,  the  sound  of  the 
once  hated  and  dreaded  name  ceased  to  send 
that  sharp  pang  through  my  heart;  I  could, 
in  the  course  of  time,  at  least  tolerate  it ;  and 
with  the  tolerance  for  the  name  came  also  a 
tolerance  for  the  story  of  the  life  and  death 
of  the  Man  who  had  borne  it. 

Once  I  ventured  to  touch  a  copy  of  the  New 
Testament,  and  the  contact  had  the  effect  of 
an  electric  current.  When  I  opened  the  book 
for  the  first  time  intending  to  read  it,  I  im- 
agined that  something  terrible  would  happen 
to  me.  I  could  not  overcome  my  curiosity,  and 
as  no  bolt  came  down  from  heaven  to  consume 
me,  I  soon  overcame  the  uncomfortable  feeling, 
and  began  to  read  the  New  Testament  sys- 
tematically. 

The  story  unrolled  to  me,  at  once  charmed 
and  frightened  me.  I  looked  in  vain  for  the 
boastful,    malicious   Jesus    of   my   early   con- 


Coming  to  the  Light  73 

ception;  instead,  I  found  a  Man  possessed  of 
humility,  tenderness  and  love  inexpressible.  So 
far  from  defying  the  Law,  I  found  Jesus  call- 
ing upon  it  as  the  witness  of  his  truthfulness. 
I  had  been  taught  to  believe  that  Jesus  had 
set  up  claims  in  defiance  of  the  God  of  Abra- 
ham;  that  he  had  hated  the  Jews  and  had 
taught  his  followers  to  do  likewise.  What 
was  my  surprise  then,  when,  in  Matthew  7: 
21-23,  I  read  that — according  to  Jesus — no  one 
could  inherit  the  kingdom  of  heaven  who  did 
not  do  the  will  of  his  Father,  who  was  the  God 
of  Abraham;  that,  therefore,  my  God  was 
his  God  also ;  that  all  those  who  work  iniquity 
must  depart  from  him!  The  question  as  to 
what  constituted  the  will  of  the  Father,  Jesus 
settled  for  me  in  Matthew  25  :  34-46.  The  King 
invites  into  the  kingdom  prepared  by  God — 
his  Father — those  who  have  fed  the  hungry 
and  clothed  the  naked  among  the  least  of  his 
Jewish  brethren,  and  repudiates  those  who  have 
not  done  so.  I  compared  these  words  with 
Isaiah  58 :  5-9,  and  found  that  the  words  of 
Jesus  were  the  words  of  God.  On  every  page 
I  found  only  purity  of  ideal  and  high  spiritu- 
ality. 

Not  only  did  the  teachings  of  Jesus  charm 


74  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

and  fascinate  me;  they  also  frightened  me; 
for,  if  they  were  pure,  they  were  not  what 
I  had  been  taught  to  believe  they  were;  and 
if  misrepresented  in  one  respect,  then  why  not 
in  another?  What  if,  after  all,  there  was 
truth  in  Jesus?  Then,  what  about  rabbinical 
Judaism  ? 

I  had  been  taught  to  work  out  my  own 
salvation  through  the  daily  mechanical  repe- 
tition of  a  certain  number  of  lines  of  prayer 
and  the  avoiding  of  certain  kinds  of  food, 
and  other  acts  of  the  same  character.  But 
slowly  the  conviction  forced  itself  upon  me 
that,  in  comparison  with  the  righteousness  of 
Jesus,  my  righteousness  might  well  be  called 
filthy  rags;  that  the  likeness  to  God  in  which 
man  was  created  could  not  possibly  pertain  to 
his  bodily  form,  and  that  therefore  Jesus  was 
the  most  perfect  image  of  the  Father — a  being 
without  sin  and  full  of  love  and  righteous- 
ness. 

Again  my  spirit  became  greatly  perturbed; 
again  I  realized,  only  more  clearly  and  forcibly 
than  before,  that  I  was  a  miserable  sinner,  away 
from  God,  defying  my  Creator  by  substituting 
for  things  spiritual,  which  he  demanded  of 
me,  things  physical,  which  his  soul  abhorred. 


Coming  to  the  Light  75 

I  redoubled  my  prayers  in  the  effort  to 
derive  some  spiritual  solace  from  something. 
On  the  Day  of  Atonement  I  went  to  the  syna- 
gogue. There,  as  I  prayed  fervently,  with 
the  rest  of  the  community,  my  doubts  were 
quieted  for  a  moment,  and  I  said  to  myself 
that,  after  all,  we  Jews  were  in  the  right,  for 
we  were  in  direct  communion  with  God  and 
needed  no  mediator.  But  while  I  was  still 
thinking  thus  I  heard  the  leader  say  in  a  voice 
full  of  fear  and  trepidation : 

"In  the  absence  of  a  mediator  against  the 
accuser,  speak  thou  to  thy  people  of  hope 
and  salvation !"-» 

At  these  words  a  hush  fell  over  the  praying 
men  and  many  burst  into  tears.  So  Israel 
did,  after  all,  realize  a  need  of  a  mediator  and 
possessed  none.  There  was  an  accuser,  and 
no  one  opposed  him  ! 

Then  what  became  of  the  assurance  I  had 
been  given  that  I  was  sure  of  salvation  be- 
cause I  was  a  Jew?  It  vanished  into  thin  air 
and  in  its  stead  was  left  an  aching  void  and 
the  fear  of  the  wrath  of  God.  But  what  was 
the  remedy?  Involuntarily  there  came  to  me 
the  words  I  had  read  in  John  4:14: 

"But  whosoever  drinketh  of  the  water  that 


76  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

I  shall  give  him  shall  never  thirst ;  but  the 
water  that  I  shall  give  him  shall  be  in  him  a 
well  of  water  springing  up  into  everlasting 
life." 

Was  it  possible  that  in  repudiating  Jesus, 
Israel  was  repudiating  the  Mediator  he  was 
so  ardently  wishing  for  and,  therefore,  also 
his  salvation?  But  if  Israel  perished,  need 
I  perish  also?  The  boldness  of  the  thought 
frightened  me;  I  prayed  long  and  earnestly 
that  God  would  teach  me  the  way  to  salvation, 
and  during  my  long  prayers  I  could  only  hear 
the  one  word  "whosoever,"  as  if  that  had 
been  intended  as  an  answer  from  God. 

The  following  Sunday  I  went  to  the  mission  ; 
there  the  ever  fatherly  missionary  read  the 
words  of  John  14  :  6 : 

"Jesus  saith  unto  him,  I  am  the  way,  the 
truth,  and  the  life:  no  man  cometh  unto  the 
Father,  but  by  me." 

"Is  that  really  true?"  I  asked  the  mission- 
ary's daughter. 

"Why  do  you  ask  me?"  she  answered. 
"Search  the  scriptures.  I  see  that  you  have 
not  read  the  fifty-third  chapter  of  Isaiah." 

When  I  protested  that  I  had,  she  advised 
me  to  read  it  once  more,  this  time  intelligently. 


Coming  to  the  Light  77 

That  night  I  read  Isaiah  53 : 4,  5,  7,  8. 

"Surely  he  hath  borne  our  griefs,  and  car- 
ried our  sorrows.  .  .  .  He  was  wounded  for 
our  transgressions,  he  was  bruised  for  our 
iniquities  .  .  .  and  with  his  stripes  we  are 
healed.  He  was  oppressed,  and  he  was 
afflicted,  yet  he  opened  not  his  mouth.  .  .  . 
He  was  taken  from  prison  and  from  judg- 
ment :  and  who  shall  declare  his  generation  ? 
for  he  was  cut  off  out  of  the  land  of  the  liv- 
ing: for  the  transgressions  of  my  people  was 
he  stricken." 

And  again  in  the  same  chapter,  verse  9 : 

''He  had  done  no  violence,  neither  was  any 
deceit  in  his  mouth." 

I  well  remembered  the  explanation  which 
the  Jewish  rabbis  had  given  me  of  that  chap- 
ter. According  to  their  teaching,  Israel  was 
the  innocent  sufferer  who  was  bearing  the 
sins  of  the  world.  In  days  gone  by,  this  ex- 
planation had  satisfied  me  as  had  everything 
else  taught  by  the  rabbis.  But  I  had  now 
begun  to  compare  scripture  with  scripture, 
and  I  discovered  that  this  explanation  could 
not  be  true  if  God's  word  was  not  contradictory 
to  itself.  The  Jews  were  instructed  by  God 
to  bring  as  an  offering  only  animals  without 


78  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

a  blemish  ;  nothing  that  had  a  blemish  would 
be  acceptable.  Therefore,  whosoever  was  to 
bear  the  sin  of  the  world  must  himself  be  sin- 
less, without  guilt  or  stain.  How  could  such 
a  description  apply  to  corrupt  Israel?  And  if 
Israel  was  sinless  in  the  eyes  of  God  and  was 
chastised  only  for  the  sins  of  others  and  "he 
had  done  no  violence,  neither  was  any  deceit 
in  his  mouth,"  then  what  became  of  the  words 
of  God  in  Jeremiah  44 : 4-8,  where  he  tells 
Israel  plainly  that  the  land  was  destroyed  be- 
cause they  had  provoked  him  to  fury  with  the 
works  of  their  hands? 

No,  the  explanation  of  the  rabbis  Avas  pre- 
posterous, for  it  was  arbitrary,  and  I  could 
not  accept  it.  Jesus  was  the  only  sinless  being 
ever  created  into  the  world,  and  the  chapter 
must,  of  necessity,  refer  to  him.  And  again 
I  read : 

"By  his  knowledge  shall  my  righteous  ser- 
vant justify  many;  for  he  shall  bear  their 
iniquities.  .  .  .  And  he  bare  the  sin  of  many, 
and  made  intercession  for  the  transgressors." 

I  leaped  for  joy,  for  I  had  at  last  found 
that  Mediator  for  whom  I  had  wept,  with  the 
rest  of  Israel,  during  all  my  life.  And  like 
Saul  of  Tarsus,  I  heard  the  voice,  "It  is  hard 


Coming  to  the  Light  79 

for  thee  to  kick  against  the  pricks."  Did  I 
believe  in  Jesus  Christ?  Yes,  I  realized  the 
truth.  I,  even  I,  the  young  Russian  Jew,  the 
orthodox  Jew,  whose  ambition  had  been  to 
become  a  rabbi,  the  Jew  who  had  hated  Christ 
and  everything  that  bore  his  name,  was  a  be- 
liever in  Jesus  Christ,  and  his  name  was  the 
most  precious  name  to  me  under  the  sun. 
I  no  longer  struggled  nor  fought  against  the 
conviction  that  Jesus  was  my  Redeemer,  and 
I  continually  heard  the  voice  of  the  Father 
saying,  "This  is  my  beloved  Son,  in  whom 
I  am  well  pleased." 

I  was  a  Christian.  This  was  a  secret,  for 
as  yet  I  dared  not  come  out  openly  for  Jesus. 
I  rejoiced  in  the  knowledge  that  I  was  no 
longer  alone,  naked  in  my  sins  before  God ; 
that  if  I  sinned  I  had  an  Advocate ;  that  I 
could  turn  to  my  dear  Elder  Brother  for 
shelter  from  the  temptation  of  life.  His  words, 
"Come  unto  me,  all  ye  that  labor  and  are 
heavy  laden,  and  I  will  give  you  rest,"  breathed 
peace  and  joy  and  hope  and  comfort  for  me. 
In  my  happiness,  I  wished  to  cry  out  to  my 
friends  that  I  had  found  my  Saviour  and  that 
he  was  calling  for  them  also ;  only  I  noticed 
that  I  was  alone  in  my  new  state  and  that 


80  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

the  others  were  still  the  same  orthodox  Jews 
that  they  had  been,  and  that  to  speak  to  them 
of  Jesus  would  have  meant  persecution  and 
ostracism  for  me,  that  they  would  have  called 
me  "Meshumod." 

At  this  thought  I  paused.  I  had  not  thought 
of  that  before.  And  when  I  thought  of  that 
terrible  word  as  applied  to  me,  I  shuddered 
again  and  again.  None  but  a  Jew  can  realize 
what  it  means  for  a  new  convert  to  be  called 
by  that  name  and  to  have  applied  to  one  all 
that  it  implies.  Translated  literally  it  means 
"annihilated."  It  implies  that  the  Jew  called 
by  that  name  has  by  his  own  act  annihilated 
himself  from  the  midst  of  Israel  and  from 
Israel's  God;  that  his  former  friends  must 
henceforward  be  his  enemies  ;  that  his  relatives 
must  hate  him  as  a  thing  accursed  and  unclean, 
and  must,  in  their  turn,  be  hated  and  despised, 
on  his  account,  by  all  Israel ;  that  he  can 
never  again  be  admitted  into  a  synagogue; 
that  he  cannot  participate  in  any  prayer,  nor 
in  any  religious  ceremony  such  as  circumcision 
or  a  wedding.  Then  I  thought  of  my  mother. 
I  could  hear  her  bitter  cry  of  anguish  on  learn- 
ing the  terrible  truth  about  her  son,  on  whose 
religious  future  she  had  built  such  grand  hopes 


Coming  to  the  Light  81 

for  herself ;  I  could  see  her  go  into  mourning 
for  me  as  for  one  dead;  I  could  hear  her 
lamenting  and  wishing  rather  that  I  had  died 
a  thousand  deaths  as  a  Jew  than  that  I  had 
taken  the  terrible  step  which  made  her  an 
outcast  for  the  remainder  of  her  life  and  con- 
demned her  to  black  darkness  for  all  eternity. 
Never  again  could  she  venture  forth  in  day- 
light without  her  neighbors  pointing  their 
fingers  at  her  in  derision  and  holy  horror,  and 
repeating  to  their  neighbors  and  to  the  children 
the  shameful  fact  that  her  son  was  a  renegade. 
They  might,  in  their  holy  indignation  and 
fervent  zeal,  even  cast  stones  at  her.  My 
brother  and  my  sister,  who  were  both  married, 
would  be  in  danger  of  losing  their  partners 
in  life,  for  the  latter  could  sue  for  and  obtain 
divorces  from  them  from  any  rabbi,  on  the 
ground  that  their  brother  was  a  believer  in 
Christ.  My  little  nephews  and  nieces  would 
no  longer  find  any  playmates  at  school,  on 
account  of  their  uncle ;  all  the  other  children 
would  consider  it  an  act  of  worship  to  abuse 
them  at  every  opportunity ;  and  should  they, 
in  the  course  of  time,  find  young  men  and 
women  willing  to  marry  them — which  was 
doubtful — their    children    would    likewise    be 


82  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

shunned  and  abused  on  account  of  a  Meshiimod 
in  the  family.  In  a  word,  I  would  bring  ruin 
and  lifelong  misery  on  my  family  in  the  im- 
mediate present,  and  for  generations  to  come. 
Did  I  have  the  right  to  do  so? 

Then  began  the  struggle  between  love  for 
Christ  and  love  for  my  family.  On  the  one 
hand,  there  were  those  near  and  dear  to  me 
stretching  out  their  hands  to  me  in  agony  and 
terror,  beseeching  me  in  the  name  of  my  dead 
father,  in  the  name  of  the  saints,  of  the  Law 
and  the  rabbis,  in  the  name  of  all  that  is  dear 
to  a  Jew's  heart,  not  to  bring  disgrace  and 
ruin  upon  them  by  becoming  a  Meshumod ; 
while,  on  the  other  hand,  there  was  Christ, 
my  Saviour,  calling  me  to  come  unto  him 
and  obtain  a  pardon  for  my  sins  and  life 
everlasting.  My  Jewish  training,  my  relatives, 
my  friends,  the  entire  Jewish  nation  cried  out 
to  me  that  I  was  a  Jew  and  therefore  had 
no  part  in  Jesus  of  Nazareth,  and  that  my 
first  duty  was  to  my  relatives;  while  Paul 
was  telling  me  that  the  gospel  of  Jesus  Girist 
was  the  power  of  God  unto  salvation  to  every- 
one that  belie veth,  to  the  Jew  first — to  me 
first,  and  Jesus  himself  was  forever  repeat- 
ing, "He  that  loveth  father  or  mother  more 


Coming  to  the  Light  83 

than   me   is   not   worthy   of   me."      Matthew 
10:37. 

Several  times  I  was  on  the  point  of  renounc- 
ing Christ,  but  I  could  not.  Often  I  prayed  to 
God  to  remove  the  thoughts  of  Christ  from 
my  mind  for  the  sake  of  my  poor,  innocent 
relatives,  and  invariably  the  words  of  Jesus 
came  to  me  as  an  answer,  "He  that  believeth 
on  me,  believeth  not  on  me,  but  on  him  that 
sent  me."  Therefore,  in  the  light  of  these 
words,  my  relatives  were  preventing  me  from 
believing  in  the  God  of  my  father  Abraham, 
substituting  in  God's  stead  a  sensuous  Being, 
the  product  of  the  distorted  minds  of  the  rab- 
bis ;  and  my  duty  in  the  matter  was  so  clearly 
laid  down  in  the  Law  that  I  could  not  misun- 
derstand it.  How  could  I  misinterpret  the  com- 
mand of  Moses,  Deuteronomy  13 : 6-8,  not  to 
listen  to  anyone  who  urged  me  on  to  idolatry? 
Yet,  pray  as  I  would,  I  could  not  change  the 
fact  that  my  mother  and  my  relatives,  and 
the  rabbis  and  all  Israel  were  urging  me  on 
to  the  idolatry  of  rabbinism,  to  the  exclusion 
of  my  God.  Christ  alone  stood  ready  to  bring 
me  to  him :  everybody  else  was  making  a  des- 
perate attempt  to  plunge  me  into  eternal  dam- 
nation. 


84  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

Thus  I  struggled  and  prayed,  listening  in 
turn  to  the  voices  of  Christ  and  of  my  people, 
and  swayed  in  my  emotions  from  side  to  side 
as  a  reed  is  by  a  storm.  By  degrees,  the  voices 
of  my  people  grew  fainter  and  fainter,  and 
in  the  same  measure  Christ's  voice  grew 
clearer  and  stronger ;  and  at  last  the  day  came 
when  I  could  hear  only  his  voice  speaking 
sweetly  of  peace,  of  forgiveness,  of  salvation, 
of  the  Father  and  of  everlasting  life.  All  else 
was  hushed, — he  had  won.  He  had  become  the 
very  breath  of  my  life,  and  it  was  no  longer 
a  choice  with  me  between  Christ  and  my  rel- 
atives, or  Christ  and  the  Law,  but  between 
Christ  and  despair,  between  Christ  and  death. 
My  people  had  lost  their  influence  over  me ;  I 
could  only  pity  them,  and,  pitying,  love  them 
all  the  more,  even  with  the  love  taught  me 
by  Jesus  Christ. 

I  now  confessed  the  Lord  Jesus  before  Mr. 
Matthews  and  requested  baptism.  He  re- 
ceived the  news  very  coolly  and  informed  me 
that  I  could  afford  to  wait.  This  surprised  me, 
for  together  with  the  rest  of  my  brethren,  I 
had  had  the  idea  that  the  missionary  was  lying 
in  wait  for  unwary  Jews,  eager  to  pour  holy 
water  upon  them  in  a  moment  of  their  thought- 


Coming  to  the  Light  85 

lessness.  And  when,  after  I  had  repeated  my 
request  several  times  at  intervals  of  a  few 
weeks,  he  still  treated  me  coolly,  I  began  to 
suspect  the  sincerity  of  the  old  gentleman's 
belief  in  Jesus  Christ. 

However,  the  time  was  now  past  when  I 
could  be  influenced  in  my  own  belief  by  the 
attitude  assumed  by  any  individual,  and  I  re- 
solved to  make  a  final  appeal  to  the  missionary, 
and,  if  he  disappointed  me,  to  look  for  satis- 
faction elsewhere.  Accordingly,  three  months 
after  my  first  confession  of  the  Lord,  I  very 
earnestly  addressed  myself  to  Mr.  Matthews, 
setting  forth  my  disappointment  at  his  cool- 
ness toward  me  and  indifference  toward  my 
request.  Then,  to  my  joy,  his  manner 
changed ;  his  eye  beamed  again  with  the 
old  kindness,  and  he  evinced  satisfaction  in 
every  feature  as  he  grasped  me  warmly  by 
the  hand  and  said :  "My  son,  you  have 
stood  the  trial  well ;  I  see  that  you  really 
and  truly  are  converted  to  the  Lord  Jesus 
Christ  and  are  worthy  to  be  taken  into  fel- 
lowship with  him.  So  be  it ;  you  shall  be 
baptized." 

The  following  Sunday  it  was  accomplished, 
and  Christ  came  to  dwell  in  me  and  I  in  him. 


86  From  the  Rabbis  to  Christ 

But  it  had  required  eighteen  months  to  con* 
vert  me. 

Several  of  my  Jewish  friends  had  heard  of 
the  proposed  ceremony  and  came  to  witness 
it.  When  it  was  over,  one  of  them,  a  very 
earnest  man,  approached  me  and  sorrowfully 
said :  "Henry,  what  have  you  done !  You 
have  killed  your  poor  mother  and  brought  dis- 
grace upon  yourself  and  your  family !"  His 
remarks  cut  me  to  the  heart,  but  there  was  a 
sense  of  satisfaction,  for  I  knew  that  Christ 
had  found  me. 

Ever  since  then  the  voice  of  my  Lord  has 
been  continually  urging  me  on  to  go  and  tell 
my  brethren  about  God  as  revealed  by  his  Son. 
But  I  preferred  to  wait,  thinking  that  delay 
would  redound  to  God's  glory,  for  the  reason 
that  after  my  baptism  I  could  not  persuade 
my  Jewish  friends  among  whom  I  was  anxious 
to  begin  Christ's  work  that  I  was  in  earnest, 
and  I  knew  that,  unless  I  could  persuade  them 
of  my  earnestness,  my  work  among  them  would 
necessarily  be  in  vain.  They  were  divided 
in  their  opinions  as  to  the  real  reasons  which 
underlay  my  baptism,  some  affirming  that  I 
was  mentally  unbalanced,  others  pitying  me 
for  having  succumbed  to  the  wiles  of  the  mis- 


Coming  to  the  Light  87 

sionary,  while  a  third  contingent  persistently 
inquired  as  to  the  amount  of  money  I  had 
received  as  an  inducement  to  submit  to  bap- 
tism. 

For  two  years  I  continued  to  work  among 
them  at  my  trade,  serving  the  Lord  and  en- 
deavoring to  disabuse  their  minds,  in  the  hope 
that  some  day  they  would  listen  to  the  truths 
of  the  gospel.  However,  my  efforts  failed  en- 
tirely, and  I  finally  came  out  in  open  work 
for  Jesus  Christ  in  other  fields.  Now  I  can 
only  hear  his  command  to  preach  the  gospel  to 
every  creature,  and  his  promise  to  be  with  me 
"Alway,  even  unto  the  end  of  the  world." 
What  if  my  people  despise  me?  They  have 
despised  him  before  me.  But  if  I  succeed  in 
bringing  only  a  single  one  of  my  erring 
brethren  to  the  feet  of  my  Redeemer,  even  as 
I  myself  have  been  brought  to  him,  what  joy 
there  will  be  in  heaven ! 


DATE  DUE 

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